Very British problems

Every time you attempt a Welsh accent it ends up Indian.

Having to convince yourself that your diet does actually start tomorrow.

Feeling guilty to recline your seat back on a plane in case it disturbs the person behind.

Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news.

Missing your tea's optimum drinking temperature by seconds.

Not knowing the difference between hunger and boredom.

Hoping a brisk walk will burn off the 50,000 calories you've consumed this week.

Worrying you're not fitting in enough tea amongst all the booze.

I say 'excuse me' when you really mean 'get out of my way you idiotic wanker, what made you think that was a sensible place to stand!?'

Being required by law to say the word "lovely" immediately after taking the first sip of a new tea.

The bitter disappointment when you realise that a Terry's Chocolate Orange doesn't count as one of your five-a-day.

Seeing an item of clothing you paid full price for a week ago being reduced to less than half price in the boxing day sales.

The 365 day DFS sale starts today.

The realisation that every meal you're going to eat for the next month is going to contain cold Turkey in some way.

Quality Street chocolates now come in a plastic tub instead of a metal tin. I for one am enraged.

Gently approaching your third hangover of the day.

Being able to make your fake 'face of appreciation' when you unwrap a pair of cotton pants.

Watching in disgust as a family member attempts to throw their discarded wrapping paper into the cardboard box and misses.

If you say 'Happy Christmas' instead of 'Merry Christmas', we can't be friends.

"Sorry hi sorry yeah can I just sorry hi sorry can I just get past there sorry yeah thanks sorry"

The feelings of disgust and betrayal when you sit down to watch a nature documentary and it isn't narrated by Sir David Attenborough.

If a present isn't a rectangle, it's going to look like a dog wrapped it.

The feeling of overwhelming irony experienced when you first read that David Cameron is trying to ban porn, even though he's the biggest wanker in Britain.

Opening the fridge to stare lovingly at the Christmas food roughly once every three seconds.

Walking aimlessly into a small independent shop to be greeted by the shop assistant, and realising with mortification that, not only do you not want to buy anything, but you are the one and only prospective customer there, and therefore must wait until another another individual enters the shop in order to make a hasty and guilt-ridden escape while the assistant's attention is momentarily diverted.

Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman "I think this guy was next" and you're not thanked.

The anxious moment when you think that you've lost something so you thoroughly tap yourself down, before carrying on with what you were doing.

The overwhelming feeling of guilt when you realise that you've brought your ASDA 'bag for life' to Sainsburys.

Accidentally catching a stranger's eye, so pretending to look for someone in every single direction.

Feeling obliged to offer the last biscuit to a guest despite wanting it yourself.

When you don't have a Sunday dinner on a Sunday and your whole sense of reality becomes distorted.

Being too polite to actually show your annoyance at something, so settling for a simple "tut".

Answering "yes, thank you" to the question "is everything ok with your meal" regardless of how good or bad it actually is.

Consuming more calories on the Weekend than the average Olympic rowing team.

Standing in any sort of queue and being overly suspicious of anybody looking like they might push in, even if they're just walking past.

When signing for a delivery, scribbling something in no way replicate of your actual signature on that really awkward screen.

Resting your head on the train window, despite the vibrations causing mild concussion.

Booking a doctors appointment for 10am, getting there at 9.55am and not get seen until 11.45am.

Swallowing an apple pip as a child and living with the fear that a tree will start growing inside you.

When the teachers caught you swinging on your chair and told you off by telling you the story of the boy who swung back too far on his chair and cracked his head open and died.

Spending your whole primary school life waiting to be in Year Six so you can sit on the benches in assembly.

Starting to come to terms with the fact that your cold is never, ever going to end.

When i'm not happy with a bus journey, I have no way of showing my displeasure other than not saying thank you.

If you're British and you prefer Twilight to Harry Potter, leave the country".

Mishearing someone several times in a row but being too embarrassed to ask them what they said for a 4th time so opting for a safe "yeah", only to discover that "yeah" was quite possibly the only answer that makes absolutely no sense and having to ask them again what they said.

"I can't believe how dark it is"

Being unable to trust people who claim to be 'neither here nor there' on Marmite.

Spending your life squeezing by people, yet never once completing the sentence: "Excuse me, sorry, do you mind if I just..."

Constantly complaining about the efficiency of self-service checkout machines, but always choosing to use them over real people.

I can either put the heating on now, declare myself bankrupt when the bill arrives and die from starvation when I can't afford to buy food or do I keep the heating off, say my goodbyes when the frostbite kicks in and die from Hypothermia?

Saying sorry when you begin to ask someone a question.

Holding the door for someone with the tip of your outstretched foot, to indicate you've really no time to dilly-dally.

The paralysing fear of discovering your train has been replaced by a bus.

The irritation when Microsoft Word replaces an 's' with a 'z' and you defiantly correct it.

Saying "It's definitely getting colder" upwards of fifty times a day.

Finding someone examining the goods you need in the supermarket, so pretending to inspect another item until they leave.

Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up and arm raise.

Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it's perhaps best never to speak again.

Saying "there's definitely something going round" when someone says they're ill, even if nobody else you know is ill.

Having to awkwardly tilt sideways or lift your umbrella outrageously high as someone walks past to avoid being a pavement hog.

The foolishness of attempting to rescue an over-dunked biscuit with another biscuit.

Running out of words for thank you after following someone through a series of doors.

Complaining about the price of Fredo frogs.

Standing at a train door waiting for the button to flash so you can test your reactions at how quickly you can get off and reassure the queue behind you that you got this.

Someone pressing the button at a pelican crossing when you've clearly just pressed it.

Always feeling quite chuffed to be able to show the inspector your train ticket, despite never travelling without one.

Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit.

Knowing damn well the change you've given for your food is exactly right to the penny, but still standing there whilst the person counts it so you don't look like your pulling a fast one.

Apologising to the stranger who's chair leg is pinning down your jacket and holding it hostage.

Being prepared to fight to the death over the proper pronunciation of the word scone.

Feeling your life lacks excitement, so dunking your biscuit for an irresponsibly long time.

Holding the door open for someone, forcing them into an awkward jog of appreciation.

Being unable to hand over the change you've just counted seven times without saying "I think that's right".

Telling the person on the other end of the telephone that you have a pen, regardless of your complete lack of pen.

Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave.

Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely into the back of their head.

Loudly tapping your fingers at a cash point to assure the queue behind you that you've asked for money and the wait is out of your hands.

Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it.

When your mum spots a drop of rain
get washing

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  • 3

    "I can't believe how dark it is"


    but it's so dark!!
    - Fail4424 January 2, 2014, 4:37 pm
  • 2

    Oh my god I can relate to at least 80% of this :P

    What about that feeling when you're following someone through the supermarket with a double width pram, who refuses to walk at a decent pace, then decides it's appropriate to stop 3 feet before the door?

    And how the kettle automatically goes on when someone comes round your house

    I can't think of any more right now, but most of what you've posted is shockingly accurate >.>

    haha :D

    i didn't come up with any of these sadly :/ found them somewhere
    but yea, a lot of them are scarily true! I just wonder how much some would apply to other nations as well
    - Fail4424 January 3, 2014, 10:28 am
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