joke contest!!!!!!!!

When life gives you MELONS your probaly dyslexic

  • imcool
  • April 16, 2010, 11:40 am
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  • 4

    A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.
    ------------------------
    how do you make a plumber cry?

    you kill his family


    .---------------------
    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse says nothing, because horses lack the intellectual capacity for speech. It sways uncertainly for a moment before wandering back out the way it came.

    Lol I like the last one.
    - SuDoku November 9, 2010, 1:31 am
    the first one should have a forever alone pic under it.
    - lordliz1 February 25, 2011, 11:05 am
    Reply
  • 4

    We had a colonel named Fat Ass Johnson. That wasn't his real name...but they called him Fat Ass Johnson. No one ever called him Fat Ass to his face, but I once called him that on the phone. You see, I was working in the motor pool.
    The phone rings. The sign said Recruits, do not answer the phone. I didn't know what's a recruit, so i said hello.
    A voice said, soldier, what vehicles do you have available?
    I said Six trucks, seven jeeps, an MA armored car, a half track, and Fat Ass Johnson's command car.
    He said have you any idea who your talking to?
    I said No sir
    He said This IS colonel Johnson
    I said Colonel, do you have any idea who your talking to?
    he said No...
    I said Bye-bye Fat Ass!

    Reply
  • 3

    Shortest joke of all time in relation to shortness

    the newspaper read

    "dwarf shortage"

    • Polygon
    • October 10, 2010, 2:46 am
    the shortest joke of all time . is pudding
    - hightec October 10, 2010, 11:06 am
    well said.
    - lordliz1 November 8, 2010, 10:05 am
    COSMO!!!
    - SuDoku November 9, 2010, 1:31 am
    Reply
  • 3

    As long as there are algebra exams there will be prayer in schools

    Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't
    Bachelors go to the refrigerator see nothing they want then go to bed
    Married guys go to the bed see nothing they want then go to the refrigerator

    A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, i wanna open a fucking checking account growled the would be Costumer.
    Certinaly sir answered the teller but there is no need to use that kind of language
    Could ya move it along lady i just wanna open up a fucking checking account
    ill be glad to be of service sir but i would appreciate not being spoken to in that manner.
    Just lemme open a fucking checking account okay?
    Im afraid ill have to get the bank manager she returns with the manager shortly who ask how can he be of service
    I just won the ten million dollar lottery and all i wanna do is open up a fucking checking account
    i see said the manager sympathetically and this bitch is giving you trouble?

    Reply
  • 3

    My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.

    She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.

    She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.

    She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."

    I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"

    Stupid cow.

    Reply
  • 3

    what did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

    "make me one with everything"



    what did the policeman say to his belly?

    "i've got you under a vest"



    how does hitler tie his shoes?

    with little nazis!



    what did the buffalo say when her boy left for college?

    BYE SON!



    and lastly:

    a neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?"
    bartender says "for you? no charge"


    har har har har har har har

    • c8r15
    • November 9, 2010, 10:38 am
    Reply
  • 2

    Three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are sitting around wasting time and talking when they should be in the kitchen making sandwiches for their men. They are talking amongst themselves when the topic of sex comes up.

    "I heard if you have sex on the top, you're going to have a boy," says the redhead as she pats her inflated belly.

    "Must be a girl for me, then," says the brunette, lovingly imagining the baby girl forming in her womb.

    The blonde girl starts crying suddenly, wailing in dismay, and when the others ask her what's wrong, she replies, "Oh no!!! I'm going to have puppies!"

    i think you left something out because i dont see how the blond is haveing puppies unless she got raped by a dog. if thats the case then its not a joke its just a strait forward answer
    - hightec October 10, 2010, 11:03 am
    Dogystyle, baka!
    - RakkyTam October 10, 2010, 2:27 pm
    HA HA HA awesome!

    how did hightec not get it
    - zebidybob February 25, 2011, 12:35 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    Went down the road and turned into a field.



    Ahhh Christmas cracker jokes, always the worst.

    • SuDoku
    • November 9, 2010, 1:29 am
    Reply
  • 1

    What do you call two black people in a sleeping bag - a twix

    thats not funny dude that just bad taste
    - Polygon October 10, 2010, 2:47 am
    plus twix can come in singles
    - hightec October 10, 2010, 11:08 am
    i believe he is implying that black people are tasty.
    - arrowdodger7 November 5, 2010, 11:52 am
    i am ready for the zombies now
    - hightec November 5, 2010, 12:48 pm
    black zombies? or the white chocolate? hahaha.
    - arrowdodger7 November 5, 2010, 1:55 pm
    i think they are green or something so what do we call them
    - hightec November 5, 2010, 3:03 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    dont smile

    _______________________

    the real joke

    nasa has made a remarkable discovery

    zzx - joke contest!!!!!!!!


    now we zoom out a little

    zzy - joke contest!!!!!!!!


    and now we know

    • hightec
    • October 10, 2010, 11:24 am
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOTALLY SMILED!!!!!!!!*smiling* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!LOLZ!
    - lordliz1 November 8, 2010, 10:17 am
    Reply
  • 1

    Opening Scene:
    A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.

    Voice Over:
    This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes.
    In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

    Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.

    Voice Over:
    It was obvious that this joke was lethal...
    no one could read it and live...

    Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

    Commentator:
    This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.
    Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

    Inspector:
    I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

    About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.

    Inspector:
    I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...

    (Points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby)

    The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

    (He gives a signal.)

    The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

    Commentator:
    There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not,
    this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous
    and gallant acts in police history.

    The inspector suddenly appears at the door,
    helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft.
    He collapses and dies.
    Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

    Voice Over:
    It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.



    Cut to door at Ham House.
    Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider
    hurries in carrying armoured box.

    Notice on door:
    "Conference. No Admittance"

    Dispatch rider rushes in.
    A door opens for him and closes behind him.
    We hear a mighty roar of laughter...
    A series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

    Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.
    Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass
    peering anxiously out.

    Voice Over:
    Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.



















    Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox.
    Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain.
    He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable.
    Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
    Cut in to corporal's face-registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily.
    Man on top of pillbox waves flag.
    The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal.
    He peers at it, thinks about its meaning,
    snickers, and dies.
    Two watching generals are very impressed.

    Generals:
    Fantastic.

    Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

    Colonel:
    All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

    Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.

    Voice Over:
    So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy
    in the Ardennes...

    Commanding NCO:
    Tell the... joke.

    Joke Brigade:
    (together)
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
    Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

    Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.

    Voice Over:
    It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...

    Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing
    the "Peace in our time" treaty.

    ...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

    Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

    Hitler:
    SUBTITLE
    MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE

    A young soldier responds:
    SUBTITLE
    HOW DOES HE SMELL?

    Hitler:
    SUBTITLE
    AWFUL'

    Voice Over:
    In action it was deadly.

    Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.

    Corporal:
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
    Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

    Sniper falls laughing out of tree.

    Joke Brigade:
    (charging)
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
    Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

    They chant the joke.
    Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.

    Voice Over:
    The German casualties were appalling.

    Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
    Cut to Nazi interrogation room.
    An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face.
    A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.

    Nazi:
    Vott is the big joke?

    Officer:
    I can only give you name, rank,
    and why did the chicken cross the road?

    Nazi:
    That's not funny!
    (slaps him)
    I vant to know the joke.

    Officer:
    All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

    Nazi:
    (momentarily fooled)
    I don't know... how do you make a Nazi cross?

    Officer:
    Tread on his corns.
    (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

    Nazi:
    Gott in Hiramell That's not funny!
    (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his
    hands to provide the sound effct)
    Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

    Officer:
    I can stand physical pain, you know.

    Nazi:
    Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

    Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.

    Officer:
    Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

    They stop tickling him.

    Nazi:
    Quick Otto. The typewriter.

    Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.

    Officer:
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
    Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

    Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.

    Nazi:
    Ach! Zat iss not funny!

    Nazi burts into laughter and dies.
    A German guard bursts in with machine gun,
    The British officer leaps on the table.





    Officer:
    (lightning speed)
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
    Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

    The guard reels back and collapses laughing.
    British officer makes his escape.
    Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.

    Voice Over:
    But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44,
    the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

    A German general is seated at an imposing desk.
    Behind him stands Otto, labelled "A Different Gestapo Officer". Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

    German Joker:
    Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

    He finishes and looks hopeful.

    Otto:
    We let you know.

    He shoots him. Film of German sdentists.

    Voice Over:
    But by December their joke was ready,
    and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke
    to be broadcast in English.

    Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.

    Radio:
    (crackly German voice)
    Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

    Radio bunts into "Deutschland Uber Alles".
    The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
    Cut to modern BBC 2 interview.
    The commentator in a woodland glade.

    Commentator (Eric Idle):
    In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke.
    Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

    He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:
    "To The Unknown Joke".
    Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
    Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

    monty python?
    - GothicRoze August 19, 2011, 7:28 am
    What??? No!!! Where in Monty Python do you hear this?
    - mariofox03 August 20, 2011, 4:39 pm
    idk,my dad showed it 2 me and i really didnt care
    - GothicRoze August 22, 2011, 6:40 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
    The funniest joke in the world:



    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

    Reply
  • 1

    A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
    The funniest joke in the world:



    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

    not lolz, but still funny ive herd it before
    - lordliz1 March 1, 2011, 11:07 am
    Reply
  • 1

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years

    Reply
  • 1

    wut do u call a mexican rolling in sand?

    a churro

    there's a mexican and a black man in a car, who's driving?



    the cop

    What do you call three chinese people a mexican and three black people standing in a row?
    A sprinkler chink chink chink spic nigger nigger nigger
    - Reddeath195 August 19, 2011, 6:47 pm
    Reply
  • 0

    All of them are pretty good

    Reply
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