When life gives you MELONS your probaly dyslexic

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with ‘ass.’” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”

The British gentleman says, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

“Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to.”

Why couldn't the guy do pullups?
-He had no arms

Why did the girl fall off the treadmill?
-She had no legs

Why did the guy fall off the bike?
-He was hit with a brick.

One day as a farmer is out tending to his animals an Alien space craft lands in his field. The alien comes out carrying two big bags of money. He says to the farmer "I would like to buy all your Cattle for $10,000. The farmer agrees and the alien pulls a tiny Cow from his pocket it and it runs around and eats all the Cattle. Then the alien says to the farmer "I would like to buy all your pigs for $5,000. The farmer agrees again and the alien pulls out a tiny pig and it runs around and eats all the pigs. The farmer then gets really excited and asks the alien, "How would you like to earn all your money back?" A little confused the alien asks the farmer what he wants from him. The farmer replies, "You don't happen to have a tiny little black man on you, do you?"

Hats off to the Icelandic people.

First they declared themselves bankrupt...

Then they set their island on fire....

Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

--------------------------


I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."

-----------------------

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

--------------------------

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

-------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

------------------

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

-------------------------

So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty

whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?



being raped..!

What would you call the flintstones if they were black?

-Niggers


Do you remember that black guy from The Jetsons?

-No?.... looks like we're gonna have a good future

A black man, a mexican, and an asian walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Get the fuck out!"

Joker: Knock, knock.
Jokee: Who's there?
Joker: I dunnop.
Jokee: I dunnop who?
Joker: Ha! You done a poo!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago”.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really, ” he said, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

Hitler: My dog has no nose

Soldier: How does he smell?

Hitler: Awful!

a horse walks into a bar. bartender says "why the long face?"



the horse says "i have aids"

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.
------------------------
how do you make a plumber cry?

you kill his family


.---------------------
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse says nothing, because horses lack the intellectual capacity for speech. It sways uncertainly for a moment before wandering back out the way it came.

We had a colonel named Fat Ass Johnson. That wasn't his real name...but they called him Fat Ass Johnson. No one ever called him Fat Ass to his face, but I once called him that on the phone. You see, I was working in the motor pool.
The phone rings. The sign said Recruits, do not answer the phone. I didn't know what's a recruit, so i said hello.
A voice said, soldier, what vehicles do you have available?
I said Six trucks, seven jeeps, an MA armored car, a half track, and Fat Ass Johnson's command car.
He said have you any idea who your talking to?
I said No sir
He said This IS colonel Johnson
I said Colonel, do you have any idea who your talking to?
he said No...
I said Bye-bye Fat Ass!

A man walked into a Bar and said ouch :)

one of my childhood classics :)

What do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill? An avalanche. What do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill? A mudslide. What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill? Jail break.

Shortest joke of all time in relation to shortness

the newspaper read

"dwarf shortage"

As long as there are algebra exams there will be prayer in schools

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't
Bachelors go to the refrigerator see nothing they want then go to bed
Married guys go to the bed see nothing they want then go to the refrigerator

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, i wanna open a fucking checking account growled the would be Costumer.
Certinaly sir answered the teller but there is no need to use that kind of language
Could ya move it along lady i just wanna open up a fucking checking account
ill be glad to be of service sir but i would appreciate not being spoken to in that manner.
Just lemme open a fucking checking account okay?
Im afraid ill have to get the bank manager she returns with the manager shortly who ask how can he be of service
I just won the ten million dollar lottery and all i wanna do is open up a fucking checking account
i see said the manager sympathetically and this bitch is giving you trouble?

My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.

She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.

She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.

She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."

I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"

Stupid cow.

what did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"make me one with everything"



what did the policeman say to his belly?

"i've got you under a vest"



how does hitler tie his shoes?

with little nazis!



what did the buffalo say when her boy left for college?

BYE SON!



and lastly:

a neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?"
bartender says "for you? no charge"


har har har har har har har

A British man walks into a bar with a giraffe at his side. Puzzled, the bartender serves him and his giraffe a drink. After a few shots, the giraffe passess out. As the man is walking out the door, the bartender says "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there!" and the man replies "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Why don't black people dream anymore....?


Because the last nigga got shot!

Three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are sitting around wasting time and talking when they should be in the kitchen making sandwiches for their men. They are talking amongst themselves when the topic of sex comes up.

"I heard if you have sex on the top, you're going to have a boy," says the redhead as she pats her inflated belly.

"Must be a girl for me, then," says the brunette, lovingly imagining the baby girl forming in her womb.

The blonde girl starts crying suddenly, wailing in dismay, and when the others ask her what's wrong, she replies, "Oh no!!! I'm going to have puppies!"

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Went down the road and turned into a field.



Ahhh Christmas cracker jokes, always the worst.

Please search before making new posts... I had already made this post AGES ago.
You can view it, and more jokes at: [Contest] Jokes!
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View: 629x434

there is a mother and a daughter.... my joke

mother: honey, why are you starring at that mirror with your eyes closed?
daughter: i wanted to see what i look like when im asleep.

What do you call two black people in a sleeping bag - a twix

dont smile

_______________________

the real joke

nasa has made a remarkable discovery

now we zoom out a little

and now we know

Opening Scene:
A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.

Voice Over:
This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes.
In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.

Voice Over:
It was obvious that this joke was lethal...
no one could read it and live...

Ernest's mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

Commentator:
This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy.
Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector:
I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.

Inspector:
I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...

(Points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby)

The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

(He gives a signal.)

The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator:
There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not,
this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous
and gallant acts in police history.

The inspector suddenly appears at the door,
helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft.
He collapses and dies.
Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

Voice Over:
It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.



Cut to door at Ham House.
Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider
hurries in carrying armoured box.

Notice on door:
"Conference. No Admittance"

Dispatch rider rushes in.
A door opens for him and closes behind him.
We hear a mighty roar of laughter...
A series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.
Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass
peering anxiously out.

Voice Over:
Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.



















Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox.
Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain.
He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable.
Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
Cut in to corporal's face-registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily.
Man on top of pillbox waves flag.
The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal.
He peers at it, thinks about its meaning,
snickers, and dies.
Two watching generals are very impressed.

Generals:
Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel:
All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.

Voice Over:
So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy
in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO:
Tell the... joke.

Joke Brigade:
(together)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.

Voice Over:
It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...

Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing
the "Peace in our time" treaty.

...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE

A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE
HOW DOES HE SMELL?

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
AWFUL'

Voice Over:
In action it was deadly.

Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.

Corporal:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Sniper falls laughing out of tree.

Joke Brigade:
(charging)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

They chant the joke.
Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.

Voice Over:
The German casualties were appalling.

Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room.
An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face.
A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.

Nazi:
Vott is the big joke?

Officer:
I can only give you name, rank,
and why did the chicken cross the road?

Nazi:
That's not funny!
(slaps him)
I vant to know the joke.

Officer:
All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi:
(momentarily fooled)
I don't know... how do you make a Nazi cross?

Officer:
Tread on his corns.
(does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi:
Gott in Hiramell That's not funny!
(mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his
hands to provide the sound effct)
Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

Officer:
I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi:
Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.

Officer:
Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

They stop tickling him.

Nazi:
Quick Otto. The typewriter.

Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.

Officer:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.

Nazi:
Ach! Zat iss not funny!

Nazi burts into laughter and dies.
A German guard bursts in with machine gun,
The British officer leaps on the table.





Officer:
(lightning speed)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

The guard reels back and collapses laughing.
British officer makes his escape.
Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.

Voice Over:
But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44,
the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

A German general is seated at an imposing desk.
Behind him stands Otto, labelled "A Different Gestapo Officer". Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

German Joker:
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Otto:
We let you know.

He shoots him. Film of German sdentists.

Voice Over:
But by December their joke was ready,
and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke
to be broadcast in English.

Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.

Radio:
(crackly German voice)
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Radio bunts into "Deutschland Uber Alles".
The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview.
The commentator in a woodland glade.

Commentator (Eric Idle):
In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke.
Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:
"To The Unknown Joke".
Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:



A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

A scientific survey in 2002 attempted to find the funniest joke in the world. Thousands of people from dozens of countries voted on thousands of jokes. Each country had a different favorite. Overall, the number one and number two funniest jokes in the world, based on votes, are:
The funniest joke in the world:



A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years

wut do u call a mexican rolling in sand?

a churro

there's a mexican and a black man in a car, who's driving?



the cop

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?







Because he felt crummy!

All of them are pretty good