Zombies chapter teaser

Alright ladies and gents this is a very small portion of the first chapter to a book I'm writing and i would love some feed back. the text explains the story it but i would love some feed back on how it was written. this is no where near complete but i'll be adding more to the chapter hopefully soon :) please enjoy and let me know how it is so i can improve on my skills :)


Relief
That was the word that came to mind when the first reports came in. It had been a relief to think that it wasn’t a big deal. That something so trivial and far away could in anyway affect him. It wasn’t until later when he thought about it again and realized how foolish he had been.
Joseph Strife had been standing in the middle of the campus dinning commons. The large rooms had several televisions through out it and each one was displaying the bruin’s hockey game. Many people were simply grabbing a quick bite to eat and checking the score before moving on to their next class. Dozens of tables were filled with students all chatting and laughing, some shouting abusive words towards the other teams goals or encouraging the B’s leading scorer to another goal.
Joseph on the other hand was not paying attention to the Bruin’s game. His eyes were transfixed on his screen. He had a paper due in an hour and was just looking up the last bit of information he needed to make the final changes to it before heading off to class himself. Glancing up from his work he happened to see the giant of a defensive player Zdeno Chara wind up for a one timer which rocketed towards the net at blinding speed. Groaning with the rest of his classmates at the missed shot Joe returned to his work.
He had been puzzling over the wording to use for his paper for the past night and finally he thought he had the perfect quote to put in. It was an old African proverb he had stumbled upon on one of his favorite websites and it seemed to fit perfectly into his paper. He had just begun looking up the proper way to cite it in the paper when the chair next to him was pulled out and an extremely large man sat down next to him.
“What’s up Joe? Still working on that same paper that kept you from the party last night?”
Not even bothering to glance over he simply smiled and nodded
“What else would keep me from watching the Bruins right now Thor?”
The big man laughed patting Joe on the back with such force that he nearly was knocked off his seat. Thomas Odinson or Thor as his friends called him earned his name his freshman year. While hanging out with some of their other hall mates they had all begun asking about which sports everyone played in order to learn a bit about each other. Upon hearing that he had been one of the greatest High school hammer throwers in the country and knowing a bit about comics from his youth Joe had jokingly started referring to him as Thor. This had been well received by the big man and seeing as he stood a surprising six foot ten inches tall the name seemed to fit. The name caught on quickly and from then on he was known as Thor.
Yet despite having known him for so long Joe was still sometimes amazed when he saw the big man . Over the past year Thor had managed to some how add an extra 10lbs of muscle after he was cut from the schools team. Joe never got the full story out of him but he knew that his father had had something to do with it. Even so ever since he had been cut he began obsessing over the gym spending as much time there as his body could possibly allow and on more than one occasion pushed himself a little bit to hard.
But that was the thing that made Thor one of Joes closest friends. He had a drive and motivation to push himself just as hard as Joe did. It did sometimes lead to confrontations between the two but nothing that they didn’t get over very quickly. It was just in their competitive nature, whenever they were together they always pushed each other to new limits. Be it in a class they had together or in the gym. Even so the two had been extremely close since freshmen year when the two had been roommates and they were nearly inseparable.
Joe was quickly brought back to reality when Thor spoke.
“Joe.”
“Yea?” He said not looking up.
“Joe. You need to look”
“What?” He said only half listening. Though was sure had heard something in his voice he didn’t recognize but he was busy trying to work out this citation.
“Joe!”
“What!?” Joe yelled in frustration finally looking up from his work at his friend. He was surprised to see something on his face he hadn’t thought he would see there. It was the unmistakable look of shock. Suddenly Joe had noticed that a silence had fallen over the cafeteria. Turning in his seat to look around he noticed the same look of shock on others faces. Confused he turned back to Thor.
“Dude what’s going on?”
Thor simply raised his hand and pointed. Joe followed his gaze to the nearest big screen and felt the blood drain from his face. What he had thought was a commercial playing was actually a breaking news story coming in live over the Bruins game.
A young reporter was standing outside a small restaurant with police vehicles and ambulances rushing around in the background. It was fairly obvious something had happened. But that wasn’t what really put Joe on edge. It was the look on her face. It wasn’t simply the look shock the other students around him wore. It was one of pure and undeniable terror. She was clearly trying to very hard to control herself, and while her voice remained steady her face betrayed her true feelings.
The headline below her read Brutal attacks in Richmond, California.City under lock down. Fearing the worst Joe stood up and walked over to the television set fumbling around for the volume button he finally located it and turned it up several clicks. Stepping back he and his fellow classmates watched in silence as the clearly shaken reporter continued.
“It began hours ago in Richmond, California with initial reports coming in of several savage attacks on a subway car in the city. According to police a man suffering from severe mental illness had attacked several people on the car leaving several wounded and another dead.” Images of a limping young woman and a man clutching his blood soaked arm flashed onto the screen. It however changed quickly to a blurry video of a man facing away from the camera hunched over another blood soaked young male. Joe found it odd that no one else was with him trying to help him stifle the blood that was pouring fourth from him.
“The man was taken in to custody after the savage attacks but not before a struggle with the man which resulted in one officer losing his finger.” The feed changed once again to another shaky video of a man, soaked and covered in blood, being dragged none to gently, into the back of a police car.
“What the hell?” Thor whispered under his breath “How the fuck did he lose a finger?”
Joe glanced over at him he hadn’t been able to tell from the initial video but to him it looked like the same guy they had taken into the back of that car was the same man who was hunched over the young mans body.
“This however doesn’t seem to be an isolated incident” The reporter continued again her voice wavering this time “Officers now believe however that this was not an isolated incident. Several more attacks one by a homeless man downtown and several outside this restaurant I am standing just outside of. Police are trying to piece together exactly what it is that has happened here in Richmond. Due to the nature of the attacks and the mental state of those involved police concerns of some sort of contamination within the city have been raised and the order by the mayor has already been issued to lock down the city. Live on the scene this is Laura Michelson channel 12 special report”
Silence fell over the students again as the Anchor came back on the screen. “Terrible news from Richmond, California... we’ll bring you more live coverage in just a moment”
“For Christ’s sake I nearly had a heart attack” one student next to him sighed out. “For a moment there I thought there was some sort of bombing. Built it all up for a couple nutters who decided to have a mental break down at the same time.
“Jimmy!” one of the girls next to him scowled disapprovingly “the cities on lock down! Something really could be wrong there”
“Right” he laughed as he began to walk away.
“Jim!” the girl cursed as she followed after him berating him for brushing this off.
Pushing their conversation out of his mind he turned to Thor who was still staring at the screen.
“Yo, you alright man?” He asked.
Thor nodded a look of concern on his face. He raised his hands and brushed them through his head bringing them to a stop behind them.
“I got a lot of family out there just a little worried that’s all.” He said.
Knowing his friend and how much he cared for his family Joe reached up and clapped his hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it man I’m sure they’ll work out what’s going on.”
Thor nodded his head slowly as he seemed to slip into a daze of sorts. Joe stood there and waited for his friend to speak. The moments passed by as people began to leave the cafeteria no longer interested in staying now that the game was not on.
“You alright?” He finally asked
Upon hearing Joe speak again Thor seemed to snap out of his daze and turned to look at his smaller friend. He had worn this look only twice before and both times they had been followed by unavoidable moments of misfortune.
“I don’t know man. I just have one of those feelings again.” He frowned. “Something bad is going to happen. And whatever is going on there is going to have a lot to do with it.”
Joe gave him a hard look. He knew better than anyone that when Thor had a bad feeling you follow his instincts. Not only that but he himself had gotten a similar feeling as well. His gut told him something was wrong. He just couldn’t put his finger on it.
“I think we need to head back to the Dorms” Thor said. “Something isn’t right and I really think that’s the place we need to be right now.”
"Then lets go." Joe said

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Comments

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  • 3

    i would love to give feedback but college work is calling my name :( read the first few sentences and it sounds like you're off to a good start :D

    sorry to hear that :/ im having similar problems myself lol but thanks for skimming the bit that you did :)
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 9:30 am
    Reply
  • 2

    I will buy your book when it comes out onto store shelves.

    i hope it's because you actually like it and not cause im a sharenator guy xD
    - 24paperwings February 27, 2012, 8:09 pm
    Its because I love what you wrote so far.
    - GothicRoze February 27, 2012, 9:16 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    I'm going to favorite this so just in case you update it with more I'll be able to read it. +3

    • dogggy
    • February 27, 2012, 9:08 pm
    I'll make sure to continue the story for you guys :) though i can't post it all or else i can't sell it if i decide to ;)
    - 24paperwings February 27, 2012, 9:34 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    loved it :D, i could never write that well you have talent

    :D thank you im really glad everyone seems to be enjoying this i wasn't expecting much :)
    - 24paperwings February 27, 2012, 9:34 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    thats good shit right there man. keep going. i fuckin loved it :)

    • exile
    • February 28, 2012, 12:34 am
    i reread it yesterday an i feel like i may have progressed a bit to fast and didn't really add a description of joe fully enough so im thinking it needs to be revised again i'll make sure to post it once its done for you guys :)
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 8:22 am
    Reply
  • 2

    MOAR!

    it will come soon lol im swamped with work so it may take a bit though :( i'm glad you enjoyed it :D
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 4:21 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    I liked Zombieland will this one have Bill Murray?

    it's a book (-.-) so probably not....
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 4:33 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    I have to say simply Freakin Amazing!! Keep it up I want to read more!

    :) im so glad everyone actually is enjoying this :D i'll have to make sure to really work on this and keep up the quality :D
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 6:37 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    I thought it was okay. I'm going to give you some more constructive criticism once I find time to read it over some more. I could be like the rest and say "oh it's awesome keep going" but I know you would really appreciate some ways to make it better or at least some ideas. (or at very least one college kids opinion on your work).

    actually yes that would be exactly what i need :) it's only a first little bit i didn't even fully edit it (if you couldn't tell) and im making some changes already but i would love some advice :) thanks dude
    - 24paperwings March 8, 2012, 12:30 am
    I figured you would. I always like having that one person in the class that writes all over your paper correcting every little thing then the person that thinks every thing you did was revolutionary and awesome. (I'm gonna catch some sleep tho I'll try to get to it tomorrow)
    - gemie89 March 8, 2012, 12:34 am
    lol yea thats more of what i need rather than compliments. they are nice but i can't improve if i'm just being told it's great. don't get me wrong i love that everyone likes it but ultimately i want it to be perfect so that everyone can enjoy it :) i want it to be a great story that everyone can enjoy (unrealistic i know but hell thats the goal :) ) in any case thanks so much for doing this it means a lot to have someone take a good hard look at my work and help me improve myself :D
    - 24paperwings March 8, 2012, 12:22 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    penis

    • Vans
    • February 28, 2012, 7:15 pm
    sinep?
    - 24paperwings February 28, 2012, 8:41 pm
    Reply
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