World's most epic story: the beginning

So this is how it will work: today I post this. Whenever I feel like it, I will take the actions of our hero and re-type his story in one post renamed "The World's Most Epic Story". I start the first line, then each comment will add to his travels. Go ballistic giving him powers or whatever, but no non-funny stupid crap.

Here we go:

"Work sucked. The walk home was sucking. He had nothing going for him. All he ever wanted was to be somebody. But today was not going to end the same as every other day. On his walk home today, ..."

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  • 4

    cool story bro house Cool story bro

    Reply
  • 2

    which exploded from the awesomeness. Butter and syrup spewed everywhere. The zombies started melting because everyone knows that zombies have only one weakness and its butter. Suddenly, Chuck Norris appeared looked at the pancake. It turns out that chuck norris took a bite out of that pancake and threw it out. THe syliva of chuck norris mutated it into a super awesome killer pancake. Chuck roundhouse kicked the hero and put his chin up. THen the one person with a chance of defeating the Norris appeared. Bruce Lee was jumping around making his constipated growls. The two started for each other intent for collision when...

    Reply
  • 2

    suddenly the ground shaked! our hero looked around seeing nothing.....then his worst nightmare happened......a firework shot up from under him and went through his trousers flying straight into his nuts! and then exploding leaving our hero with...

    Reply
  • 2

    NO BALLZ. The Bruce pan moved away claiming that you must have true ballz to even look at the beautiful master bacon. So the hero set out on a quest to look for Ballz. He started walking when a cave appeared with a witch standing. She offered him two golden testicles. the hero stared upon them but he knew better. The spirit of michael jackson appeared to forgive me for writing about him so early, and to try on the ballz himself with his famous ball grab move. The ballz exploded as the witchtold the hero with defeat that those were blue ballz. The hero thanked MJ, bowed his head as MJ moonwalked his way into heaven and moved past the witch further into the cave. Then...

    Reply
  • 2

    1 Divided by...he just couldnt do it. Knowing the repercussions of such an acty our hero refused to do it. So, the hero thought, if I cannot divide by zero then I will have to steal a pair for myself! As our hero walked to the nearest house he could find he busted open the door and...

    Reply
  • 2

    inside he found his idol Lance Arrmstrong. Caught up in the moment, the hero chopped of lance's ballz for himself. With suddent fear he remembered that Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and screamed as loud as he could. Then...


    (Where da grammar nazis at???)

    Lance is supposed to be capitalized. Happy?
    - GrammarNaziIsHere October 26, 2010, 3:50 am
    Terrible....just get out. Just get the fuck out right now. I lost my faith in grammar nazis i hope maggots crawl in your computer and eat it from the inside. You sicken me. GOOD DAY SIR.
    - papereeno October 26, 2010, 4:59 am
    Vein Eugen mine swastika! There shall be heck, nine, hell to pay for your insolence! Let us begin: Lance is a Proper, CAPITALIZE! Suddent is not a word! SUDDEN! Nazi is Proper, and DA is not a substitute for THE! Happy now? Heil!
    - GrammarNaziIsHere October 26, 2010, 7:53 pm
    You need to chill dude. It's saying something when FireRoastedFire says chill. And wouldn't it be 'Are you happy now?'
    - FireRoastedFire October 26, 2010, 7:56 pm
    I believe you mean to say nein. Thats the grammar nazi i know and love.
    - papereeno October 27, 2010, 3:33 am
    Verein Jugend Mein Swastika*
    Nein*
    ..is proper. DA is not..*
    Are you happy now*?
    Are you in?
    - Inedibleedible May 7, 2012, 5:56 pm
    Reply
  • 2

    Someone uprated some comments and now the story is out of order :(

    Reply
  • 2

    tl;dr

    Reply
  • 1

    On his walk home today, there seemed to be the most peculiar smell in the air. Upon searching for the source of this smell he stumbled upon a briefcase full of...

    money, and lots of it. Lady luck had showed him favour, he would never need to work again in that decrepit establishment, more commonly known as Walmart! So overjoyed by his discovery was this man that he overlooked the odd fact that he was able to smell out the briefcase in the first place. Only whilst stuffing his pockets did he contemplate the situation and soon discovered that somewhere, somehow, he had developed a superhuman sense of smell. Sniffing relentlessly, he was seeing the world in a new light, he soon discerned the faint aromas of theft, murder and rape. Then it dawned on him, he would turn his life around and use his powers for JUSTICE. The money was immaterial now, he had discovered his way in life having found himself and his destiny. He embarked on a new quest...
    - Mattty21 October 11, 2010, 10:49 am
    Reply
  • 1

    ...to begin the search for a new kind of bacon, a MAGIC bacon, so epic in its composition that it would bestow unearthly powers to he who would, whole-heartedly, worship its pure epicness. With his newfound sense of smell, he resolved to use it to create, the MASTER BACON; to give him the ability to end all kinds of violent crime. But first he must find a master pig...

    • Bekenel
    • October 11, 2010, 10:57 am
    Reply
  • 1

    (oh god)

    Reply
  • 1

    ...He started his quest at Good Farms to find a perfect pig for his magic bacon. The farm had about 100 pigs but he found the pig. The pig was locked away in the barn with henchmen guarding it, stealing its magic with a giant mechanical vacuum. The henchmen were armed with genetically modified sausages and all he could find were chickens. He threw them and one by one they fell. He finally was able to make his bacon but before he took him the magic pig bit him and ran off. After the day he had he just went to I Hop for his bacon and then home. When he awoke...

    • hightec
    • October 11, 2010, 1:00 pm
    he realised that this post wasn't really being looked at and hadn't taken off very well. So he had a cheeky wank and then went back to sleep. The end
    - Dannyl October 13, 2010, 6:30 am
    Part II
    but then he woke up...
    - hightec October 13, 2010, 12:58 pm
    LMAO Part II x]
    - dogggy October 22, 2010, 5:33 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    to the sound of war cries coming from his sock drawer heasitantly he approached the sounds of epic battle

    • Jabori
    • October 14, 2010, 5:43 am
    Reply
  • 1

    ...his tube socks were in the boxer territory. the boxers were yelling out their war cries as they hit the tube socks with their buttons. He watched the battle without noticing that behind him was....

    Reply
  • 1

    a giant robotic....PANCAKE!.....

    Reply
  • 1

    With maple syrup

    Reply
  • 1

    and a sword made completely out of butter, of course with his super sence of smell he could tell this buttery blade was heading for him, he ducked and kicked the pancake right in the blueberries and whiped cream. then he...

    Reply
  • 1

    then he ran to his kitchen opened the silverware drawer and scrambled for a fork and knife. fork in the right hand, knife in the left, the robot pancake stumbled awkwardly into the kitchen hungry for human flesh. our hero drop kicked the monster he stumbled fell and got his head cut off and ate, then.............

    • aumos
    • October 21, 2010, 2:18 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    The hero find an opportunity. He slickily scooped up a handful of maple syrup, butter, and whipped cream and started to fap. As he felt his 20 seconds coming to an end, a large shadow towered over his head. He turned to see...

    Reply
  • 1

    He turned to see a Nazi Zombie coming up from the ground. He quickly dashed to the wall to see if there was any weapon he could use and all of sudden he found one. Luckily it was MG42 and turned to kill all the meatsacks. He ran to the magic box to get another weapon. As he waited he decided to turn around and kill the rest of the Nazi zombies. He turned back to the box and to his luck he got the wunderwaffe DG-2. He got it and ran towards the door. Suddenly wave 23 started to begin. He needed a way out so he ran thru the stairs and......

    Reply
  • 1

    and he suddenly stopped. He cursed the player who was controlling him as a very familiar face came into view. It was boxhead Satan with his fireballs.He started shooting satan but realized his combo meter was running out. He desperately set up a perimiter of walls and barrels around himself to think. As the zombies started tearing away at his defenses he...

    Reply
  • 1

    he jumped in the air and did a somersault while Abraham lincoln tried to pole vault onto optimus prime but they collided in the air and they both got hit by care bear stare. This is the Ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, good guys bad guys and explosions as far as the eye can see, and only one will survive i wonder who it will be, this is the ultimate showdown...

    he ran at abraham and tackled him a sowrd fell out. then he picked it up and notice it was the bacon sword witch knew the way to the magic bacon. then abraham kicked him in stomich he hit the ground with a hard thud. he slowly got up while Abraham was running torwded him about to do the last finshing blow. suddenly a naiz zombie came out of the ground and got hit in steed then the boy staped through the zombie and Abraham killing them both...
    - castlewarsisawsome October 21, 2010, 5:12 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    Ladies and Gentlemen...We have raped the internet. There are but 2 things left to do. Stand up to Chuck Norris and divide by zero.

    Reply
  • 1

    killing them both then abraham divided by zero which is agaisnt mathematical reasoning thus creating a crack in the space-time continuum which ultimately transported abraham to a parallel universe in which chuck norris is even more baddass and then.....

    Reply
  • 1

    Chuck Norris being as badass as he is divided by zero once again, thus creating another crack in the space time continuum which sent him to ANOTHER alternate universe in which the Nazi government ruled, and it just so happened that Chuck Norris had been transported into none other than Hitler's shower and then....

    Reply
  • 1

    then Hitler was like OMGWTFBBQ and chuck norris roundhouse kicked him in the face so hard that his feet reached the speed of light and transported him through oblivion. He then roundhoused that oblivion which resulted in a big bang thus the chuck universe was created. Chuck norris used his roundhouse kick to smash planets and create the Chuck norris planet and becuz he so bad ass he can create chucklets to populate the planet and make the universe even more badass. Eventually chuck norris got bored and destroyed the universe at the palm of his hand and eat a bagel at the sametime then....

    Reply
  • 1

    CHuck norris turned around to see the still living abraham lincoln zombie. Lincoln used his presidential powers to make people and fight for him but was soon assasinated. As chuck norris charged into the fight one man was waiting for the bloodshead to be over. One man waiting to kill the last soldier standing. Mr. ROgers sat behind a bush, smoking a joint. As the teletubbies baby sun blinded everyone...

    Reply
  • 1

    Our hero woke up abruptly after being kicked in the ribs by the giant mechanical pancake, wondering why he had a dream about Chuck Noriss creating a universe. But his dream gave him inspiration to defeat this mechanical pancake. he asked the pancake what is the out come of 1 divided by 0. the pancake malfunctioned and exploded into a huge glob of batter, which blew out all the windows of the house. Our hero noticing the bacon sword on the floor picked it up and continued on his quest to find the master pig so that he could find the master bacon that he could finaly find....

    Reply
  • 1

    but suddenly he ran straight into a trap! The mechanical pancake had the ability to rebuild itself. As our hero noticed at wat was happening it was too late. Somehow the pancake was able to grow larger and larger. It farted out some unnecessary batter but still grew and grew. Our hero astonished felt like he was a piece of shit compared to the pancake. But he grabbed his bacon sword and went fukin super sayian on the pancake's ass. Then the pancake also turned super sayian and kicked the shit out of our hero, but he still fought. Then all of sudden he woke up in the middle of a street. Wondering why he was dreaming of pancakes, super sayians and bacon swords. Unfortunately it was no dream. He saw he was in the middle of a devastating outbreak of....

    Reply
  • 1

    NAZI ZOMBIES!!!!!!!! Our hero shouted in frustration and found that he had the bacon sword from his dream in his hands. He charged at the zombies with all of his might and cut of their limbs with the pure and awesome power of BACCOONN. As he killed the last zombie, a hand broke through the pavement. Zombie Hitler climbed out with swastika shurikans. The hero held up his bacon sword and jesus descended from the heavens and ate the amazing blade of Bacon leaving the hero without a weapon. As hitler started throwing his swastikas at the hero...

    Reply
  • 1

    (on a side note, i just came here and thought i'd search for how many times chuck norris was mentioned without even reading the story. so far it's 14...)

    • Dannyl
    • October 25, 2010, 5:54 am
    (I know, it's gotten pretty bad. But hey, it's worth a good laugh.)
    (Ok, I'm scared. Dannyl, can this thing be stopped?)
    - FireRoastedFire October 25, 2010, 5:58 am
    probably not X3
    - Nightfang October 25, 2010, 8:22 am
    Reply
  • 1

    LOL that was from like 2 ppl alone...

    Reply
  • 1

    Bruce Lee judo chopped Chuck Norris in the forehead reverting him back into his original state, the master pig. our hero finally found him, the master pig was snorting right in front of him, along with Bruce Lee and the super killer pancake. The hero asked the master pig where he could find the master bacon. the pig simply snorted. the killer pancake approached Bruce lee, who quickly Buddhist palmed it into oblivion. Bruce lee summoned a sword of pure awesomeness and with one swipe skinned the master pig, revealing the final prize, the master bacon. Bruce lee quickly transformed , like all Asian people can, into a master pan and fried the master bacon to delicious crispiness. Just then Jesus appeared once again and tried to eat the master bacon, because we all know bacon is the only holy food Jesus can eat. But Bruce "pan" Lee summoned buddha and buddha threw Jesus back to heaven saying " only those who seek Nirvana may eat the master bacon". Then....

    Reply
  • 1

    Work sucked. The walk home was sucking. He had nothing going for him. All he ever wanted was to be somebody. But today was not going to end the same as every other day. On his walk home today, On his walk home today, there seemed to be the most peculiar smell in the air. Upon searching for the source of this smell he stumbled upon a briefcase full of money, and lots of it. Lady luck had showed him favour, he would never need to work again in that decrepit establishment, more commonly known as Walmart! So overjoyed by his discovery was this man that he overlooked the odd fact that he was able to smell out the briefcase in the first place. Only whilst stuffing his pockets did he contemplate the situation and soon discovered that somewhere, somehow, he had developed a superhuman sense of smell. Sniffing relentlessly, he was seeing the world in a new light, he soon discerned the faint aromas of theft, murder and rape. Then it dawned on him, he would turn his life around and use his powers for JUSTICE. The money was immaterial now, he had discovered his way in life having found himself and his destiny. He embarked on a new quest to begin the search for a new kind of bacon, a MAGIC bacon, so epic in its composition that it would bestow unearthly powers to he who would, whole-heartedly, worship its pure epicness. With his newfound sense of smell, he resolved to use it to create, the MASTER BACON; to give him the ability to end all kinds of violent crime. But first he must find a master pig. He started his quest at Good Farms to find a perfect pig for his magic bacon. The farm had about 100 pigs but he found the pig. The pig was locked away in the barn with henchmen guarding it, stealing its magic with a giant mechanical vacuum. The henchmen were armed with genetically modified sausages and all he could find were chickens. He threw them and one by one they fell. He finally was able to make his bacon but before he took him the magic pig bit him and ran off. After the day he had he just went to I Hop for his bacon and then home. When he awoke he realised that this post wasn't really being looked at and hadn't taken off very well. So he had a cheeky wank and then went back to sleep. The end
    Part II
    but then he woke up to the sound of war cries coming from his sock drawer heasitantly he approached the sounds of epic battle, his tube socks were in the boxer territory. the boxers were yelling out their war cries as they hit the tube socks with their buttons. He watched the battle without noticing that behind him was a giant robotic....PANCAKE!..... With maple syrup and a sword made completely out of butter, of course with his super sence of smell he could tell this buttery blade was heading for him, he ducked and kicked the pancake right in the blueberries and whiped cream. then he ran to his kitchen opened the silverware drawer and scrambled for a fork and knife. fork in the right hand, knife in the left, the robot pancake stumbled awkwardly into the kitchen hungry for human flesh. our hero drop kicked the monster he stumbled fell and got his head cut off and ate, then The hero find an opportunity. He slickily scooped up a handful of maple syrup, butter, and whipped cream and started to fap. As he felt his 20 seconds coming to an end, a large shadow towered over his head. He turned to see a Nazi Zombie coming up from the ground. He quickly dashed to the wall to see if there was any weapon he could use and all of sudden he found one. Luckily it was MG42 and turned to kill all the meatsacks. He ran to the magic box to get another weapon. As he waited he decided to turn around and kill the rest of the Nazi zombies. He turned back to the box and to his luck he got the wunderwaffe DG-2. He got it and ran towards the door. Suddenly wave 23 started to begin. He needed a way out so he ran thru the stairs and he suddenly stopped. He cursed the player who was controlling him as a very familiar face came into view. It was boxhead Satan with his fireballs.He started shooting satan but realized his combo meter was running out. He desperately set up a perimiter of walls and barrels around himself to think. As the zombies started tearing away at his defenses he jumped in the air and did a somersault while Abraham lincoln tried to pole vault onto optimus prime but they collided in the air and they both got hit by care bear stare. This is the Ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, good guys bad guys and explosions as far as the eye can see, and only one will survive i wonder who it will be, this is the ultimate showdown. he ran at abraham and tackled him a sowrd fell out. then he picked it up and notice it was the bacon sword witch knew the way to the magic bacon. then abraham kicked him in stomich he hit the ground with a hard thud. he slowly got up while Abraham was running torwded him about to do the last finshing blow. suddenly a naiz zombie came out of the ground and got hit in steed then the boy staped through the zombie and Abraham killing them both then abraham divided by zero which is agaisnt mathematical reasoning thus creating a crack in the space-time continuum which ultimately transported abraham to a parallel universe in which chuck norris is even more baddass and then. Chuck Norris being as badass as he is divided by zero once again, thus creating another crack in the space time continuum which sent him to ANOTHER alternate universe in which the Nazi government ruled, and it just so happened that Chuck Norris had been transported into none other than Hitler's shower and then, Hitler was like OMGWTFBBQ and chuck norris roundhouse kicked him in the face so hard that his feet reached the speed of light and transported him through oblivion. He then roundhoused that oblivion which resulted in a big bang thus the chuck universe was created. Chuck norris used his roundhouse kick to smash planets and create the Chuck norris planet and becuz he so bad ass he can create chucklets to populate the planet and make the universe even more badass. Eventually chuck norris got bored and destroyed the universe at the palm of his hand and eat a bagel at the sametime then.... CHuck norris turned around to see the still living abraham lincoln zombie. Lincoln used his presidential powers to make people and fight for him but was soon assasinated. As chuck norris charged into the fight one man was waiting for the bloodshead to be over. One man waiting to kill the last soldier standing. Mr. ROgers sat behind a bush, smoking a joint. As the teletubbies baby sun blinded everyone. Our hero woke up abruptly after being kicked in the ribs by the giant mechanical pancake, wondering why he had a dream about Chuck Noriss creating a universe. But his dream gave him inspiration to defeat this mechanical pancake. he asked the pancake what is the out come of 1 divided by 0. the pancake malfunctioned and exploded into a huge glob of batter, which blew out all the windows of the house. Our hero noticing the bacon sword on the floor picked it up and continued on his quest to find the master pig so that he could find the master bacon that he could finaly find. but suddenly he ran straight into a trap! The mechanical pancake had the ability to rebuild itself. As our hero noticed at wat was happening it was too late. Somehow the pancake was able to grow larger and larger. It farted out some unnecessary batter but still grew and grew. Our hero astonished felt like he was a piece of shit compared to the pancake. But he grabbed his bacon sword and went fukin super sayian on the pancake's ass. Then the pancake also turned super sayian and kicked the shit out of our hero, but he still fought. Then all of sudden he woke up in the middle of a street. Wondering why he was dreaming of pancakes, super sayians and bacon swords. Unfortunately it was no dream. He saw he was in the middle of a devastating outbreak of NAZI ZOMBIES!!!!!!!! Our hero shouted in frustration and found that he had the bacon sword from his dream in his hands. He charged at the zombies with all of his might and cut of their limbs with the pure and awesome power of BACCOONN. As he killed the last zombie, a hand broke through the pavement. Zombie Hitler climbed out with swastika shurikans. The hero held up his bacon sword and jesus descended from the heavens and ate the amazing blade of Bacon leaving the hero without a weapon. As hitler started throwing his swastikas at the hero which exploded from the awesomeness. Butter and syrup spewed everywhere. The zombies started melting because everyone knows that zombies have only one weakness and its butter. Suddenly, Chuck Norris appeared looked at the pancake. It turns out that chuck norris took a bite out of that pancake and threw it out. THe syliva of chuck norris mutated it into a super awesome killer pancake. Chuck roundhouse kicked the hero and put his chin up. THen the one person with a chance of defeating the Norris appeared. Bruce Lee was jumping around making his constipated growls. The two started for each other intent for collision when Bruce Lee judo chopped Chuck Norris in the forehead reverting him back into his original state, the master pig. our hero finally found him, the master pig was snorting right in front of him, along with Bruce Lee and the super killer pancake. The hero asked the master pig where he could find the master bacon. the pig simply snorted. the killer pancake approached Bruce lee, who quickly Buddhist palmed it into oblivion. Bruce lee summoned a sword of pure awesomeness and with one swipe skinned the master pig, revealing the final prize, the master bacon. Bruce lee quickly transformed , like all Asian people can, into a master pan and fried the master bacon to delicious crispiness. Just then Jesus appeared once again and tried to eat the master bacon, because we all know bacon is the only holy food Jesus can eat. But Bruce "pan" Lee summoned buddha and buddha threw Jesus back to heaven saying " only those who seek Nirvana may eat the master bacon". Then

    OK...
    - FireRoastedFire October 25, 2010, 7:28 am
    lol
    - castlewarsisawsome December 10, 2010, 1:50 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    (Fine, might as well join in) the hero thought of another way he could get his balls back. The only problem was, he would have to divide by ZERO. He knew what this could do, how it could rip the universe in half if done wrong. He had no chioce. What kind of hero has no balls. Clutching the remains of his sanity, he began the equation...

    Reply
  • 1

    (what the hell)

    Reply
  • 1

    our hero stumbled upon justin beiber and kept walking because everyone knows he has no balls...

    Reply
  • 1

    He didn't even bother with the jonas brothers because they had the same problem...

    Reply
  • 1

    then finally he found his solution, steven hawkins was sitting there in the cave. "Come hero, take my balls, i will never use them ever again, make use of them" buzzed Mr.Hawkins. our hero replaced his missing sac with steven hawkins' balls, finally our hero could continue on his quest. the hero felt enlightened, like he knew answers to the universe. for some reason the number 42 kept answering alot of his questions. the hero sniffed his balls and realized the mental power steven had given him. He could smell the intellegence emenating from the ball sac. Using this power the hero realized he cannot divide by zero, but instead, multiply by... infinity!... once again he started the equation 42 times infinity!............

    Reply
  • 1

    someone stated we raped the internet, i think we have officialy raped the internets.... but not untill we put a story in a story so we can read while we read dog..

    Reply
  • 1

    As he really started getting into his equations, the new improved hero remembered the reason he got his ballz in teh first place. He started on a way out to the master bacon when a magical icicle fell out of nowhere. He focused his mind and pushed the icicle. He realised that he had gained psychic powers. He hurried to the bruce pan and the bacon when an old foe smiled at him. the new surgically enhanced pancake stood in his way. he dodged a splatter maple syrup and....

    Reply
  • 1

    using his newly found powers, he divided i(the square root of -1) by zero creating a localized black hole in the pancake monster causeing it to implode into oblivion. our hero marched on proudly towards bruce pan, whom he quickly found the square root to, turns our the square root of bruce lee is 5 small chinamen stuffed into a body suit. because everyone knows asians can link together to form larger beings. when he walked out of the cave he found the master pig dead from being skinned, but before dieng the master pig gave birth to a baby pig. now this was to be the next master pig but he was not old enough to produce master bacon. our hero realized his conundrum and flew up into the air, he circled the earth as fast as he could reaching the speed of light. whe he stoped he was 5 years into the future, the baby master pig was sure to be old enough to produce master bacon now. he flew back to the ground and began his search for the new master pig/bacon.....

    Reply
  • 1

    The other ones got uprated i figured out the order and here is the whole story so far.

    Work sucked. The walk home was sucking. He had nothing going for him. All he ever wanted was to be somebody. But today was not going to end the same as every other day. On his walk home today, On his walk home today, there seemed to be the most peculiar smell in the air. Upon searching for the source of this smell he stumbled upon a briefcase full of money, and lots of it. Lady luck had showed him favour, he would never need to work again in that decrepit establishment, more commonly known as Walmart! So overjoyed by his discovery was this man that he overlooked the odd fact that he was able to smell out the briefcase in the first place. Only whilst stuffing his pockets did he contemplate the situation and soon discovered that somewhere, somehow, he had developed a superhuman sense of smell. Sniffing relentlessly, he was seeing the world in a new light, he soon discerned the faint aromas of theft, murder and rape. Then it dawned on him, he would turn his life around and use his powers for JUSTICE. The money was immaterial now, he had discovered his way in life having found himself and his destiny. He embarked on a new quest to begin the search for a new kind of bacon, a MAGIC bacon, so epic in its composition that it would bestow unearthly powers to he who would, whole-heartedly, worship its pure epicness. With his newfound sense of smell, he resolved to use it to create, the MASTER BACON; to give him the ability to end all kinds of violent crime. But first he must find a master pig. He started his quest at Good Farms to find a perfect pig for his magic bacon. The farm had about 100 pigs but he found the pig. The pig was locked away in the barn with henchmen guarding it, stealing its magic with a giant mechanical vacuum. The henchmen were armed with genetically modified sausages and all he could find were chickens. He threw them and one by one they fell. He finally was able to make his bacon but before he took him the magic pig bit him and ran off. After the day he had he just went to I Hop for his bacon and then home. When he awoke he realised that this post wasn't really being looked at and hadn't taken off very well. So he had a cheeky wank and then went back to sleep. The end
    Part II
    but then he woke up to the sound of war cries coming from his sock drawer heasitantly he approached the sounds of epic battle, his tube socks were in the boxer territory. the boxers were yelling out their war cries as they hit the tube socks with their buttons. He watched the battle without noticing that behind him was a giant robotic....PANCAKE!..... With maple syrup and a sword made completely out of butter, of course with his super sence of smell he could tell this buttery blade was heading for him, he ducked and kicked the pancake right in the blueberries and whiped cream. then he ran to his kitchen opened the silverware drawer and scrambled for a fork and knife. fork in the right hand, knife in the left, the robot pancake stumbled awkwardly into the kitchen hungry for human flesh. our hero drop kicked the monster he stumbled fell and got his head cut off and ate, then The hero find an opportunity. He slickily scooped up a handful of maple syrup, butter, and whipped cream and started to fap. As he felt his 20 seconds coming to an end, a large shadow towered over his head. He turned to see a Nazi Zombie coming up from the ground. He quickly dashed to the wall to see if there was any weapon he could use and all of sudden he found one. Luckily it was MG42 and turned to kill all the meatsacks. He ran to the magic box to get another weapon. As he waited he decided to turn around and kill the rest of the Nazi zombies. He turned back to the box and to his luck he got the wunderwaffe DG-2. He got it and ran towards the door. Suddenly wave 23 started to begin. He needed a way out so he ran thru the stairs and he suddenly stopped. He cursed the player who was controlling him as a very familiar face came into view. It was boxhead Satan with his fireballs.He started shooting satan but realized his combo meter was running out. He desperately set up a perimiter of walls and barrels around himself to think. As the zombies started tearing away at his defenses he jumped in the air and did a somersault while Abraham lincoln tried to pole vault onto optimus prime but they collided in the air and they both got hit by care bear stare. This is the Ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, good guys bad guys and explosions as far as the eye can see, and only one will survive i wonder who it will be, this is the ultimate showdown. he ran at abraham and tackled him a sowrd fell out. then he picked it up and notice it was the bacon sword witch knew the way to the magic bacon. then abraham kicked him in stomich he hit the ground with a hard thud. he slowly got up while Abraham was running torwded him about to do the last finshing blow. suddenly a naiz zombie came out of the ground and got hit in steed then the boy staped through the zombie and Abraham killing them both then abraham divided by zero which is agaisnt mathematical reasoning thus creating a crack in the space-time continuum which ultimately transported abraham to a parallel universe in which chuck norris is even more baddass and then. Chuck Norris being as badass as he is divided by zero once again, thus creating another crack in the space time continuum which sent him to ANOTHER alternate universe in which the Nazi government ruled, and it just so happened that Chuck Norris had been transported into none other than Hitler's shower and then, Hitler was like OMGWTFBBQ and chuck norris roundhouse kicked him in the face so hard that his feet reached the speed of light and transported him through oblivion. He then roundhoused that oblivion which resulted in a big bang thus the chuck universe was created. Chuck norris used his roundhouse kick to smash planets and create the Chuck norris planet and becuz he so bad ass he can create chucklets to populate the planet and make the universe even more badass. Eventually chuck norris got bored and destroyed the universe at the palm of his hand and eat a bagel at the sametime then.... CHuck norris turned around to see the still living abraham lincoln zombie. Lincoln used his presidential powers to make people and fight for him but was soon assasinated. As chuck norris charged into the fight one man was waiting for the bloodshead to be over. One man waiting to kill the last soldier standing. Mr. ROgers sat behind a bush, smoking a joint. As the teletubbies baby sun blinded everyone. Our hero woke up abruptly after being kicked in the ribs by the giant mechanical pancake, wondering why he had a dream about Chuck Noriss creating a universe. But his dream gave him inspiration to defeat this mechanical pancake. he asked the pancake what is the out come of 1 divided by 0. the pancake malfunctioned and exploded into a huge glob of batter, which blew out all the windows of the house. Our hero noticing the bacon sword on the floor picked it up and continued on his quest to find the master pig so that he could find the master bacon that he could finaly find. but suddenly he ran straight into a trap! The mechanical pancake had the ability to rebuild itself. As our hero noticed at wat was happening it was too late. Somehow the pancake was able to grow larger and larger. It farted out some unnecessary batter but still grew and grew. Our hero astonished felt like he was a piece of shit compared to the pancake. But he grabbed his bacon sword and went fukin super sayian on the pancake's ass. Then the pancake also turned super sayian and kicked the shit out of our hero, but he still fought. Then all of sudden he woke up in the middle of a street. Wondering why he was dreaming of pancakes, super sayians and bacon swords. Unfortunately it was no dream. He saw he was in the middle of a devastating outbreak of NAZI ZOMBIES!!!!!!!! Our hero shouted in frustration and found that he had the bacon sword from his dream in his hands. He charged at the zombies with all of his might and cut of their limbs with the pure and awesome power of BACCOONN. As he killed the last zombie, a hand broke through the pavement. Zombie Hitler climbed out with swastika shurikans. The hero held up his bacon sword and jesus descended from the heavens and ate the amazing blade of Bacon leaving the hero without a weapon. As hitler started throwing his swastikas at the hero which exploded from the awesomeness. Butter and syrup spewed everywhere. The zombies started melting because everyone knows that zombies have only one weakness and its butter. Suddenly, Chuck Norris appeared looked at the pancake. It turns out that chuck norris took a bite out of that pancake and threw it out. THe syliva of chuck norris mutated it into a super awesome killer pancake. Chuck roundhouse kicked the hero and put his chin up. THen the one person with a chance of defeating the Norris appeared. Bruce Lee was jumping around making his constipated growls. The two started for each other intent for collision when Bruce Lee judo chopped Chuck Norris in the forehead reverting him back into his original state, the master pig. our hero finally found him, the master pig was snorting right in front of him, along with Bruce Lee and the super killer pancake. The hero asked the master pig where he could find the master bacon. the pig simply snorted. the killer pancake approached Bruce lee, who quickly Buddhist palmed it into oblivion. Bruce lee summoned a sword of pure awesomeness and with one swipe skinned the master pig, revealing the final prize, the master bacon. Bruce lee quickly transformed , like all Asian people can, into a master pan and fried the master bacon to delicious crispiness. Just then Jesus appeared once again and tried to eat the master bacon, because we all know bacon is the only holy food Jesus can eat. But Bruce "pan" Lee summoned buddha and buddha threw Jesus back to heaven saying " only those who seek Nirvana may eat the master bacon". Then suddenly the ground shaked! our hero looked around seeing nothing.....then his worst nightmare happened......a firework shot up from under him and went through his trousers flying straight into his nuts! and then exploding leaving our hero with... NO BALLZ. The Bruce pan moved away claiming that you must have true ballz to even look at the beautiful master bacon. So the hero set out on a quest to look for Ballz. He started walking when a cave appeared with a witch standing. She offered him two golden testicles. the hero stared upon them but he knew better. The spirit of michael jackson appeared to forgive me for writing about him so early, and to try on the ballz himself with his famous ball grab move. The ballz exploded as the witchtold the hero with defeat that those were blue ballz. The hero thanked MJ, bowed his head as MJ moonwalked his way into heaven and moved past the witch further into the cave. Then the hero thought of another way he could get his balls back. The only problem was, he would have to divide by ZERO. He knew what this could do, how it could rip the universe in half if done wrong. He had no chioce. What kind of hero has no balls. Clutching the remains of his sanity, he began the equation... 1 Divided by...he just couldnt do it. Knowing the repercussions of such an acty our hero refused to do it. So, the hero thought, if I cannot divide by zero then I will have to steal a pair for myself! As our hero walked to the nearest house he could find he busted open the door and... inside he found his idol Lance Arrmstrong. Caught up in the moment, the hero chopped of lance's ballz for himself. With suddent fear he remembered that Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and screamed as loud as he could. Then... our hero stumbled upon justin beiber and kept walking because everyone knows he has no balls... He didn't even bother with the jonas brothers because they had the same problem... then finally he found his solution, steven hawkins was sitting there in the cave. "Come hero, take my balls, i will never use them ever again, make use of them" buzzed Mr.Hawkins. our hero replaced his missing sac with steven hawkins' balls, finally our hero could continue on his quest. the hero felt enlightened, like he knew answers to the universe. for some reason the number 42 kept answering alot of his questions. the hero sniffed his balls and realized the mental power steven had given him. He could smell the intellegence emenating from the ball sac. Using this power the hero realized he cannot divide by zero, but instead, multiply by... infinity!... once again he started the equation 42 times infinity!............ As he really started getting into his equations, the new improved hero remembered the reason he got his ballz in teh first place. He started on a way out to the master bacon when a magical icicle fell out of nowhere. He focused his mind and pushed the icicle. He realised that he had gained psychic powers. He hurried to the bruce pan and the bacon when an old foe smiled at him. the new surgically enhanced pancake stood in his way. he dodged a splatter maple syrup and.... using his newly found powers, he divided i(the square root of -1) by zero creating a localized black hole in the pancake monster causeing it to implode into oblivion. our hero marched on proudly towards bruce pan, whom he quickly found the square root to, turns our the square root of bruce lee is 5 small chinamen stuffed into a body suit. because everyone knows asians can link together to form larger beings. when he walked out of the cave he found the master pig dead from being skinned, but before dieng the master pig gave birth to a baby pig. now this was to be the next master pig but he was not old enough to produce master bacon. our hero realized his conundrum and flew up into the air, he circled the earth as fast as he could reaching the speed of light. whe he stoped he was 5 years into the future, the baby master pig was sure to be old enough to produce master bacon now. he flew back to the ground and began his search for the new master pig/bacon.....

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  • 1

    Will someone just end it already it been driving me crazy.

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  • 1

    But then stalin and Napoleon came out of nowhere with chairmen mao and that puerto rican dictator and the north korean dictator and putin and they raped the hero. traumatised by the events he spent the rest of his life in a wheel chair just talking about communism. The End.

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  • 1

    Please post that epic(pi) picture in the thumbnail.
    That was fuckin' sick.

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