Why can't I own a Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

All of this is honestly in the bible. To find the quotes, go here: http://bible.cc/

christians fail owned nsfw not safe for work christian bible demotivational poster 1214582907

  • Bekenel
  • December 20, 2010, 2:36 am
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  • 10

    Ever try and burn a bull? They get all pissy and run around like jackasses.

    • Albane
    • December 20, 2010, 7:55 am
    Best comment here!!
    - zagaroth December 20, 2010, 10:06 pm
  • 2

    those books... deuteronomy, leviticus. were not written for the general population. these are not a guide to society for everybody. this was written to one tribe, about others. thousands of years ago. those are more of an account of tribal history if anything.

    the fact people think they can flip through the bible, find some passages, use it to explain a religion, and think they know more than the people who studied specific parts of the bible their entire lives, and still didnt learn all of it. just shows how ignorant, pompous, and egotistical people like that really are.

    there is a reason you dont see jewish countries doing those things today. its not that they havnt read it. it's about context. if you want to argue with someone, instead of bothering a radioshow host with limited knowledge on the subject, try arguing your points to a rabbi, see how far you get. maybe youll learn something.

    • c8r15
    • December 20, 2010, 8:17 am
    Erm... The whole point is that she took a part of these books and used purely the fact that it was in the book to make it true and right, so he took other parts of those same books and did exactly the same thing to make her look as ridiculous as she is.

    Everyone with a brain knows the bible is mainly just stories and morals and it's not to be taken completely literally all of the time, which is exactly why he made her look like an idiot.

    I can respect people who take guidance from the bible in moral aspects etc. like do unto others as you would have them do unto you (although I don't think it's worded like that), but I can have little to no respect for people who take all of the the bible as literal law (and no respect whatsoever to people who pick and choose like this woman), because, as shown in this post, it's gibberish when taken literally.
    - MikeyNinja December 20, 2010, 9:57 am
    yea, i hear what youre saying. but what she said wasn't taken out of context. their reply was. it isnt just in the areas with old jewish tribal laws, its listed all over the bible.

    keep in mind, it is never a sin to "be gay" as most would put it, however, "the church's" official stance on "being gay" is that youre not gay until you have partaken in sodomy. or as they word it "commited a gay act" because people can't help who they are, but they can control their bodies.

    so instead of looking up "passages about being gay" look up "passages about sodomy". its all over the bible... about how sodomy is considered sexual immorality.

    so next time youre taking arms up against "their" opinion on "gays". remember, youre not fighting so gay men can live peacefully, youre fighting so nobody will be allowed to think ill of gay men banging eachothers asses.

    edit: when i said "commited a gay act" i mean and not saught forgiveness... everyone gives in to temptation. their are no such things as unforgivable sins. we are human.
    - c8r15 December 20, 2010, 11:11 am
    I don't feel like getting into a massive debate onto homosexuality, but I don't have any problems with gay people 'banging each others asses', I don't want to see it, but I don't have a problem with it.
    - MikeyNinja December 20, 2010, 10:16 pm
    "these are not a guide to society for everybody. this was written to one tribe, about others. thousands of years ago. those are more of an account of tribal history if anything."

    You just described the entire bible.
    - Albane December 21, 2010, 5:35 am
    Actually, the old Testament was written to record history, while the new Testament was written to teach the word of Christ. The new Testament is what we're meant to live our lives by, because we are expected to live our lives like that of Jesus Christ: as flawlessly as we can.
    - zargenathen December 21, 2010, 5:48 am
    "Actually, the old Testament was written to record history, while the new Testament was written to teach the word of Christ."

    Awesome! I love that hell doesn't exist then : D.
    - Logos385 December 21, 2010, 7:09 am
    "I don't feel like getting into a massive debate onto homosexuality"
    --But I absolutely do! : D. If you don't mind me picking up the rains a bit Mikey, I will have tons of fun here. If you wanna continue the convo yourself and have me stop replying, just lemme know and it's all yours.

    c8r15-"but what she said wasn't taken out of context. their reply was."
    --This seems like a fairly arbitrary distinction. She is saying that since something is condemned in Leviticus, it applies to real, modern life. The open letter takes this opinion/idea and simply fleshes it out, applying it to multiple verses rather than just one. A common practice to test the mettle of an idea.

    "it isnt just in the areas with old jewish tribal laws, its listed all over the bible."
    --What is listed all over the bible? Condemnation of homosexuality? If you think that's true, you need to read it over again. Less than .001% of the Bible mentions homosexuality, and Jesus doesn't say a single word on the subject.

    "so instead of looking up "passages about being gay" look up "passages about sodomy". its all over the bible... about how sodomy is considered sexual immorality."
    --Oh, I see. Can you give verses as to where sexual immorality is equated to sodomy? Because I truly see none. Despite my ten reads of the whole shebang : ). There was, a few hundred years ago, a consistently published Book (by which I mean reprinted to denote current understanding) of kind of... "Biblical answers." Seeking to explain translations/words and such that may be confusing in Biblical text. There was a mistranslation of sexual immorality to homosexuality in one of the publications, partly due to personal bias of the translator. Often, this is where the idea that sexual immorality means homosexuality is attributed. But I guess that's off-topic, no need to reply to that.

    "so next time youre taking arms up against "their" opinion on "gays". remember, youre not fighting so gay men can live peacefully, youre fighting so nobody will be allowed to think ill of gay men banging eachothers asses."
    --How do you feel about straight men banging women's asses? Or is that forbidden as well? Can they finger them? Does it really matter what someone does in their own bedroom as long as it doesn't harm themselves or someone else???

    "edit: when i said "commited a gay act" i mean and not saught forgiveness... everyone gives in to temptation. their are no such things as unforgivable sins. we are human."
    --Except blasphemy. Blasphemy is not forgiven. You can cause mass genocide and repent just fine, but if you express your doubt about God's existence, you're just fucked.
    - Logos385 December 21, 2010, 7:20 am
    I said it records history. The existence of hell is recorded in the Old Testament.
    - zargenathen December 22, 2010, 2:27 pm
    Alright then, I'll guess I'll have to seriously reply to your post. Haha.

    Where are you getting that the Old Testament was purely meant as historical record? Seems pretty damn authoritative to me. And to Biblical Scholars. : P.
    - Logos385 December 22, 2010, 2:43 pm
    It's not just meant as a historical record. I guess I messed up explaining that. We're supposed to understand the laws of the old Testament, and follow the laws of the new Testament.
    - zargenathen December 23, 2010, 9:24 am
    challenge accepted.

    1.leviticus was not the ONLY place in the bible sodomy was mentioned as being considered sexual immorality.

    2.jesus does not mention homosexuality, but he does mention sexual immorality. look it up. and sodomy is considered sexual immorality. along with orgies, etc. why would the bible focus on it so much? it says sodomy is immoral in all of the key books. its not the most important subject talked about in the bible. moving on....

    3.that wasnt off topic. but inaccurate. read the story of sodom and gomorrah.
    FACT = in the bible, sodomy = sexual immorality. jesus condemned sexual immorality. for example: adultery, sodomy, rape, orgies, etc. its fairly easy to look up. try a website called "google" and first type in "bible passages about sodomy" then type in "bible passages about sexual immorality".

    4.yes. sodomy is immoral. animal, woman, man, doesnt matter. can you finger them? is that a serious question? if so: the official stance on xxx foreplay is that if its between a married couple it's ok, as long as that is not the "goal" of your engagment. in other words... keep foreplay as foreplay, not a primary means of sex to get your rocks off... thats the churches official stance (my words, of course) the primary goal of sex should be reproduction. all other forms of it are sinful.
    there are different levels of sin. obviously drunken rape orgies are going to be higher on the list than jim getting a blowjob from his wife. youre missing the point and focusing on details. IRRELEVANT DETAILS. the fact of the matter is that it says in more place than one, that sodomy is sexually immoral, and to live a clean life, one should stray from that. if you believe in God, and arent going to throw out everything over something so small that is stressed so little, that you happen to disagree with, you dont have to worry about us. they teach God has infinite mercy, and that we are human, human's cant be perfect

    5.blashemy is forgiven. if asked for. the only theoretical unforgivable sin is suicide. but youre speaking about if you live in a state of blasphemy... in which case, you didnt ask for forgiveness, because if you actively dont believe in God. who are you asking? exactly.

    i dont even know why i typed any of that. ive argued with alot of people like you. with their minds already made up. you will never be convinced unless you convince yourself. youll keep nit-picking at minor irrelevant details, mining for inconsistencies and contradictions, missing out on all the major points, simply because it is imbedded in your mind to not believe it. instead of approaching it like "how are they wrong?" look for the truth from both sides. youll find passages in the bible are well documented. read them yourself like i did. all you mentioned earlier... about how it's not mentioned... i've read it all myself. it's all there. in black and yellowish white.

    edit: when reading the bible yourself... context context context. read about the book itself; its origins, etc.

    nobody knows who is and who is not going for hell. in fact, it is a sin for a human to condemn people to hell. nobody knows who goes to hell. only God can make that judgement.
    - c8r15 December 23, 2010, 10:08 am
    I see no reason to reply until you answer my query. Can you show me a single verse that equates sodomy to sexual immorality?
    - Logos385 December 23, 2010, 11:48 am
    May I point you to Luke 16: 17-18? If my memory serves : ).
    - Logos385 December 23, 2010, 3:14 pm
    Still looking for a verse : )
    - Logos385 January 3, 2011, 5:52 pm
    Somehow I just knew you would comment on this :)
    - Ertrov January 24, 2011, 12:29 pm
    You know it X D.
    - Logos385 January 27, 2011, 1:24 pm
  • 2

    Fuck the 'Road to hell' I'm on the 'Highway to hell' woop :D

    - ember December 20, 2010, 10:06 am
    i'm on the freeway
    - triclebickle January 24, 2011, 7:19 pm
  • 2

    I think the fact that any person could or would take anything written in a book and then judge a group of human beings for what is written in that book is foolish and childish. How can anyone say homosexuality is wrong if they haven't tried it or studied it for a long period of time, it's like a councilour who has never even tried a drug saying drugs are bad mkay this book here says so look, it holds absolutly no weight coming from them.

    But... most drugs are bad. How can you say heroine is not harmful? What about cocaine? Marijuana is probably what you were referring to, but that's about as harmful as smoking a cigarette.
    - zargenathen December 21, 2010, 5:52 am
    Just to stop you there, prove to me it's as harmful as a cigarette, and of course they are harmful but who the hell is anyone to say that another person can't take whatever substance they want? Now if it harms another person then sure that is not ok to do, but the actual taking of the drug harms no one unless you think of the suffering caused for said person to have that drug, but if we, as a world, were to leaglize all drugs then there would be no need for people to suffer for said drugs to be produced, then we educate people about the drugs, the risks, the effects, cost, how to take it safely and give out testing kits so people can test it before they put it in their bodies. The key point being that drugs aren't bad people abusing them is bad, the drugs don't force themselves upon you, people conciously choose to take the drugs even if it is an addiction, you can stop it if you really want to.
    - HippyBoy December 21, 2010, 7:00 am
  • 2

    Canadian for sale here!

    How much? Always wanted someone around to say aboot and ey. =D
    - zagaroth December 21, 2010, 6:40 pm
    Well, saying eh is free, but the aboots are going to cost you. Luckily you can pay me in Canadian bacon and maple leaves.
    - CrazyJay December 22, 2010, 9:51 am
    LOL =D
    - zagaroth December 22, 2010, 10:17 pm
  • 1

    Goodness, I hate it when people do this crap. When you speak about certain passages in the bible, explain them and the context they were in. Also once again, it's old testament (old Jewish laws) that were used thousands of years ago.

    Thousands of years ago... when the bible and the 10 commandments were first told, by god. So, I’m just wondering here, but who choose to change things? Did god tell these people who changed the bible what to write? If so how come It wasn’t a big deal? I mean normally when people say they hear god, we call them crazy, or sick. Yet we read a book and follow a religion based off of people who have "heard" god’s will.
    - zagaroth December 20, 2010, 10:15 pm
    Actually most parts of the bible that most Christians follow (New Testament) were written by people who were in the direct presence of Jesus.
    - imfrikknbad December 21, 2010, 11:23 am
    Man point is still there, how can people follow a book that was writen by a man who supposedly knew/could hear, the will of god. But if someone was to try and say that to day, they would be considered crazy and thrown in the padded room in no time.
    - zagaroth December 21, 2010, 6:42 pm
    Because people today have less faith compared to people of Biblical times would be my guess.
    - imfrikknbad December 22, 2010, 4:20 am
    Thank god XD
    - DocSir December 22, 2010, 5:02 am
    .............. I see what you did there
    haha XD
    - imfrikknbad December 22, 2010, 5:11 am
    There's a reason faith is less common, it's because we're getting smarter. To believe in the bible is to assume that people, who lived over a thousand years ago somehow understand things better than people alive today and to trust them blindly. In this day and age, is that really wise? Particularly with all of our scientific knowledge of how the world really works?
    - CrazyJay December 22, 2010, 2:44 pm
    None of the New Testament was written in the company of Jesus. Not a single author of any of the books was actually a contemporary to the one some call Christ.

    EDIT: I see this was downrated. If someone disagrees, I'd love to hear it : ).
    - Logos385 December 30, 2010, 6:57 am
  • 1

    hooray for road to hell

    • peace
    • January 2, 2011, 8:16 am
  • 1

    Religion makes me LOL :D

    • Goober
    • January 2, 2011, 9:10 am
    Same here, religious are realy funny:D Even if I don't belive in any religion I would be sad without them my favorite thing other then sharenator is reading about peoples religion.
    - ember January 2, 2011, 9:34 am
    It just makes me angry that people are convinced that some things are completely wrong just because the bible says so. Stupid religion. >:/
    - Goober January 3, 2011, 5:48 pm
  • 1

    well hoorah for the highway to hell, can i still have my canadian?

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