Twilight - New Moon in ten minutes

KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I'm really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.

ROBERT PATTINSON

But you're the founder of the "dull angst" method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!

KRISTEN STEWART

(stares blankly)

ASHLEY GREENE

Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!

KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.

ROBERT PATTINSON

On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?

Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!

KRISTEN STEWART

My hero!

(bleeds profusely)

JACKSON is sent to his room.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.

KRISTEN STEWART

I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?

ROBERT PATTINSON

What I'm trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don't do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing.

KRISTEN STEWART

No! I've been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, and detach from my friends completely!

INT. SCHOOL

After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again.

MICHAEL WELCH

I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I'm apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is "Pow pow, punch faces."

MICHAEL WELCH

I know it's a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile.

MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I'm totally not a werewolf.


It takes a lot of push-ups to become a werewolf

KRISTEN STEWART

You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he's not as ripped as you.

MICHAEL WELCH

You know what? I don't need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I've still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me.

KRISTEN STEWART

I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I'd see outside my window for "March". Not sure if I'm ready to date someone else.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

(points to abs)

KRISTEN STEWART

Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you'll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings!

KRISTEN STEWART

Maybe! That's worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet!

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Great. I will never, ever leave you.

(pause)

By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving.

KRISTEN STEWART

I'm going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn't have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.

KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE.

KRISTEN STEWART

Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You ever see a dog's penis?

KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn't even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole.

(hangs up)

KRISTEN STEWART

Why the hell are you answering other people's phones? Seriously, who does that?

Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door.

ASHLEY GREENE

Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he's going to kill himself!

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet!

ASHLEY GREENE

It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?

ASHLEY GREENE

Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him!

KRISTEN STEWART

Because then the city would know that vampires are still around?

ASHLEY GREENE

No, because then they'll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer's universe. We have to stop him!

KRISTEN STEWART

This movie isn't going to try and pretend it's an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it?

It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - VOLTERRA, ITALY

KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight.

KRISTEN STEWART

Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Kristen, you're alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I'm still glowering at you as I say this.

KRISTEN STEWART

Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don't give up!

ROBERT PATTINSON

And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love!

ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT.

MICHAEL SHEEN

I'm going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through "Breaking Dawn" so help me ...

KRISTEN STEWART

Don't kill him! Kill me instead!

MICHAEL SHEEN

I think it was assumed that we'll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let's use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future.

They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won't garner the attention of every major news network.

KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON.

EXT. WOODS

KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!

KRISTEN STEWART

Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.

KRISTEN STEWART

This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.

TAYLOR leaves.

KRISTEN STEWART

I asked your family to vote on if I'd be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Fine. I'll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me.

KRISTEN STEWART

Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy.

GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

(swooning)

No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward!

BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be.

GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

You're right! Want to buy me another movie ticket?

BOYS IN AUDIENCE

Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE

(swoon)

END

  • Dannyl
  • December 8, 2009, 7:57 am
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  • 1

    so....beautiful.

    Reply
  • -1

    fuck you!!! twilight is not like that!!!!! i downrated all of you and the post!!!

    Hmm it seems we have a fangirl here. What to do what to do... Oh I know! I'll try to get it through to your head that the main reason people hate twilight is people like you.
    I hate to admit it but I used to like twilight, back before it got populer. I had to wait for all the books to come out I had conversations with friends that didn't include talking about how hot the guys are. But then something happened to take away my likeing of the book, would you like to guess what that was? No? well then I'll tell you. Fangirls, yes, you and your stupidity over the twilight 'saga' (I still call it a series) made me hate all things to do with twilight. All I heard from you was 'OMG! I love Jake he is so hot! Don't even get me started on Edward!:D!!!!' It was horrible. I withstood the fan girls sceaming and concitratid on the book. But what happens next, the worlds worst movie came out. The only properly cast person in the movie was Alice and they took out all the good sences. I became one of the most obsesive twilight haters. It didn't help that there were now people who didn't even read the books were now involved.
    Every day now I have to hear team Edward this or Team Jacob that it's not to bad when they can take a joke but now I have to deal with you miss. FirePheonix I mean really "fuck you!!! twilight is not like that!!!!! i downrated all of you and the post!!!"
    So I have this messege for you calm down it's a joke. This is just pokeing fun about events that did happen, sure there writen in a way that makes fun of it but most of these things happend. I will not downrate you but, I will uprate everyone here to counteract you little freak out.
    By the way It's not just me who hates twilight becuse of it's fan girls. Most of my friends at one time before it's popularity liked the books.
    - ember December 21, 2010, 7:28 pm
    that makes sence
    - castlewarsisawsome December 21, 2010, 7:52 pm
    and well played
    - castlewarsisawsome December 21, 2010, 7:55 pm
    Was that sarcasm? Becuse I can't tell if it is or isn't over the internet.
    - ember December 21, 2010, 7:57 pm
    Oh thank you :D
    - ember December 21, 2010, 7:57 pm
    im sure my comment done there help you understand... im not going to blame you i didn't have that comment there when you left that comment
    - castlewarsisawsome December 21, 2010, 8:00 pm
    It did help... The internet should get a sarcasm button that way it would be easyer to tell what is and isn't sarcasm.
    - ember December 21, 2010, 8:18 pm
    here i thought of it *sarcasm button* it's fuckin amazing
    - castlewarsisawsome December 21, 2010, 8:28 pm
    Sweet:D hold on let me try it *No, mom I'm not awake at 1:45 in the morning.* It worked!
    - ember December 21, 2010, 8:39 pm
    well i didn't plan for yo to use it has that heres the way people should use it now <dont do it this way> cause the stars or for actions and crretions
    - castlewarsisawsome December 21, 2010, 8:45 pm
    by the way i am one of the few guys that like twilight. i only like twilight because of the werewolves and vampires. i love vampires most because they are so cool.
    - FirePheonix December 22, 2010, 6:43 am
    OMFG a guy likes twilight!? * runs away to underground bunker * And yes vampires are cool when they don't sparkle. Also I prefer my vampires as cute little kids that will kill you.
    - ember December 22, 2010, 10:49 am
    There are MUCH better vampire books out there then Twilight. Come on man...don't cheat yourself. You take the vampires and the werewolves out of twilight and all you have is a poorly written romance novel, are you REALLY into that kind of thing?
    - CrazyJay December 22, 2010, 10:58 am
    lol cute little kids that will kill you!!!!! thats hilarious!! reminds me of GOW3. GOW3=god of war 3. god of war 3 had demon babies with swords for hands. they were funny to fight.
    - FirePheonix December 23, 2010, 4:55 pm
    god of war 3 has a way more in depth story then shit fuck fuck shit fuckness of twilight
    - DarkicoN13 December 23, 2010, 6:00 pm
    Reply
  • -1

    TL;DR

    Reply
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