1. I am not allowed to preform an exorcism to repair an air conditioning unit.
2. I am not allowed to declare martial law.
3. I am not allowed to plant an U.S. Flag on foreign soil and claim that land for the United States.
4 I am not allowed to order a trained guard dog
5 I am not allowed to bypass written procedures to order a trained guard dog.
6 When clarifying why I ordered a trained guard dog, “to guard my cigarettes” is not a proper answer.
7 I am not allowed to mock a senior petty officer with baby talk.
8 I cannot declared my rack as a sovereign nation
9 I cannot request diplomatic immunity because my rack is a sovereign nation.
10 I am not allowed to tape an officers hands together in order to prevent him from operating ships equipment, even if it is in the officers and ships best interest.
11 Using a welding torch is not an allowed way to “one up” the guy that smacked me with a towel.
12 I am not allowed to use ship’s funds to purchase a Thai hooker as recreational equipment for the ship.
13 The Loch Ness monster does not live in Pearl Harbor and I am not to report a sighting in the ships logs.
14 I am not allowed to yell, “Repel Borders” when my boss is trying to come aboard.
15 I am not allowed to refer to the Captain as, “Captain Stalin”
16 “Can I cross the patio Daddy-o” is not the way to request permission to cross the quarterdeck
17 Saluting is not an option when I am taller than the officer.
18 I am not allowed to make up my own names for the ships equipment. A turbine is not a “round-de-go-round”, a pump is not a “fluid squirter thing” and the submarine is not a “coffin”
19 I am not allowed to write my own names for the ships equipment in the ships logs.
20 I am not allowed to paint a smiley face on the side of a submarine.
21 I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “not so fresh” feeling.
22 While giving ships training to newly reported personnel, I am not allowed to tell them how to melt down the nuclear reactor.
23 I am not allowed to conduct formal ships training on how to pick up intoxicated foreign coeds.
24 I am not allowed to finish a nuclear reactor startup safety briefing with, “Let’s crank this bitch over”
25 I am not allowed to greet Admirals with, “What’s up dude?”
26 I am not allowed to change the name on my uniform to my nickname, even though that’s what everyone called me.
27 I am not a strong enough swimmer to tow a submarine and I shouldn’t try to do so.
28 I am not allowed to settle a difference of opinion with my Chief by thumb wrestling.
29 I am not allowed to submit a tactical attack plan on Disneyland.
30 I am not allowed to justify attacking Disneyland because of over-priced beverages.
31 I am not allowed the use the Engineers wife as a navigational aide, no matter how big she is.
32 I am not allowed to build a flamethrower from the ships equipment.
33 I am not allowed to give out detailed diagrams and instructions on how to build a flamethrower
34 I am not allowed to have sex with a female officer even if she asks nicely and says “please”
35 The “Happy Jack” (the skull and crossbones pirate flag) is not allowed to be raised on any U.S. Navy Ship.
36 I am not allowed to form a labor union.
37 British Naval ships are not referred to as “H.M.S Wanker” to British Naval Captains.
38 I am not allowed to use golf carts, cars, roller-blades or oxygen tanks during a 1.5 mile run in order to improve my time.
39 I am not allowed to revise the Uniform Code of Military Justice to suit my own personal needs
40 Guinness is not part of my special dietary needs and I am not allowed to request that the submarine stock it.
41 I am not allowed to be excused from physical training because it’s “that time of the month”
42 I am not allowed to use the phrase, “This boat sucks so bad it could pull the moon out of orbit” anywheres near the squadron commander.
43 I am not allowed to blame poor performance on “Mental trauma received during the D-Day invasion at Normandy”
44 Personal intimate grooming cannot be used as an excuse for being late.
45 I am not allowed to suggest a junior officer take a Mydol to adjust his attitude.
46 I am not allowed to use one curse word for every three regular words while giving training to ships personnel.
47 I am not allowed to give newly reported personnel a detailed statistical analysis of how one of them will die within the next year. I am also not allowed to form a betting pool on which one of the new crew it would be.
48 I cannot get a day off from work to attend my son’s soccer game if I don’t actually have a son, or any child.
49 I am not allowed to have an allergic reaction to bullshit.
50 I am not allowed to refer to officers as “Split tails”
51 I am not allowed the be relieved from my watch station by “Casper the friendly ghost”.
52 I am not allowed to be referred to as “Petty Officer Sex Bomb”.
53 I am not allowed to use the ships announcing system to voice my personal opinion about lunch.
54 I am not allow to skip while marching in formation.
55 I am not allow to use the following statements while filling out evaluations for junior personnel
“Can chug a beer in 3 seconds”
“Should be chemically castrated to protect the human gene pool”
“has hit rock bottom and started to dig”
“uses the submarine to carry his genitals from port to port”
“Has lowered all performance standards and continuously fails to meet them”
“Gets all the ladies”
“is a danger to himself and those around him”
“is smarter than anyone who will read this report. Just ask him, he will tell you so”
“is nuttier than squirrel shit”
“is a total bad-ass”
56 I am not allowed to dress like a pirate.
57 I am not allowed to slide down the middle level passageway on a pillowcase while the submarine is taking a large dive angle.
58 I am not allowed to sell submarine tours tickets to foreign nationals for a date two days after we leave a port.
59 I am not allowed to take leave for a Greenpeace obligation.
60 I am not allowed to exchange submarine rides for lap dances.
61 I am not allowed to put in a supply request ordering a new backbone for the ships engineer.
62 I am not allowed to collect data for the ships logs telepathically.
63 I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “morale deficiency”.
64 I am not allowed to conduct substance abuse prevention training while intoxicated.
65 I am not allowed to have my invisible friends stand my watch.
66 I am not allowed to learn technical information by osmosis.
67 I am not allowed to invent new ways to repair ships equipment just because “it worked on MacGuyver”.
68 I am not allowed to attempt any actions I saw on “The Dukes of Hazard” with the ships van.
69 I am not allowed to pretend that I don’t know a junior officer when I am sent to retrieve him from a jail in Hong Kong.
70 I am not allowed to use the U.S. rules of the road while driving in a foreign country.
71 I am not allowed to use classified materials to build paper airplanes.
72 I am not allowed to refuse an order because an officer didn’t ask nicely.
73 I am not allowed to give to the ships Engineering, Weapons, Navigation, Executive or Commanding Officers a time out.
74 I am not allowed to amend the ships posted plan of the day to include recess.
75 I am not allowed to conduct department training in a strip club even if the approved topic was “sexually transmitted disease prevention”.
76 I am not allowed to turn a fully pressurized fire hose on a senior petty officer.
77 I am not allowed to ignore equipment used to simulate a fire during a ships drill because I am only 5 minutes away from being relieved.
78 I am not deaf and shouldn’t pretend to be so when addressed by anyone senior to me.
79 I am not allowed to answer questions by a NCIS representative by repeating the questions with a more exaggerated, interrogative tone.
80 I am not allowed to dare the ships Captain to assist in carrying heavy equipment, or anything else.
81 I am not allowed to, or offer to, “kiss it and make it feel better” when the ships executive officer is having a bad day.
82 I am not allowed to go on strike for better working conditions, pay or benefits.
83 I am not allowed to substitute “nude” for the approved Naval uniform in any situation.
84 I am not allowed to use the “Safety Dance” as a damage control tactic.
85 I am not allowed to wake up any member of the ships crew with a fire extinguisher.
86 I am not allowed to use anti-contamination/ radiation clothing as ski wear.
87 I am not allowed to refer to ships drills as, “let’s play make believe”.
88 I am not allowed to write a prescription for “intelligence” for any Chief Petty Officer.
89 I am not allowed to refer to my chain of command as, “the forces of evil”.
90 I am not allowed to use any part of the submarines equipment to launch water balloons at other ships in the harbor.
91 I am not allowed to E-mail pictures of a surface ship in the cross-heirs of the submarine’s periscope, to that particular surface ship.
92 I am not allowed to take hundreds of pictures of the moon that need to be declassified, one by one, by the ships Navigation Officer.
93 I am not allowed to use pornography as a training aide no matter how relevant it might be.
94 I am not allowed to talk to any member of the media. (Side note. That one should have been obvious by now).
95 I am not allowed to wake up a new crew member, spending his first night on a nuclear powered submarine, while dressed in full anti-contamination clothing and yelling, “Holy shit! We have a survivor!”.
96 I am not allowed to answer the official ship’s phone line with, ” ‘sup dude?”.
97 I am not allowed to, while giving a tour to local school children, refer to the head as, “the shitter”
98 I am not allowed to use any Naval vehicle for a beer run.
99 I am not allowed to slam dance, form a mosh pit or crowd surf at any formal Naval event.
100 I am not allowed to use the excuse, “demonic possession” for anything.
Next up, Army!
Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)
To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.
The 213 Things….
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”
205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.