No, instead I want to draw attention to something most of you probably missed: There appears to be a goat’s skull and spine where his penis should be. Appreciate that for a moment, please. He’s wearing the desiccated remains of a goat for a codpiece, and look at his face. He thinks that’s funny.
He’s probably the tribe's comedian. I’m sure he has even more jokes to tell you; just lean a little closer, so the Raptor-Kaiser can whisper them in your ear.
What, you disagree?
Well listen, hotshot, if you think you have a logical-sounding explanation for this picture, I suggest you either:
A) Look up the word “logic” in a dictionary, because you clearly don’t know what it means. Maybe you’re getting “logic” confused with “hot dogs” or “impotency.” It happens to me sometimes.
B) Have mercy on us groundfolk, Hawk-Man! Our pitiful senses are limited by the earth we must tread!
#6 Bear Robbery
What was he supposed to do? Just bow down and let the grizzly gangs run the place? No, goddamnit. This is a man! He put down his bowl of shoe-leather soup, strapped on his Ursine Assaultin’ Trackpants (every Russian has a pair) and he went to beat that fucker to death with a pepper-mill. What doesn’t make sense about this to you?
Is it the pepper-mill? It’s the pepper mill, isn’t it?
Well, what do you use to spice up shoe-leather soup, smart guy?
#5 Shark Santa
Yes. The answer to all of those questions is yes. And the answer to your last, unspoken question, “why the crapping hell?" is easy: Because “good” is a relative term subject to the speaker’s moral compass. So even bloodthirsty sharks have “good” little boys and girls, and they have to get presents too. Being Santa is like being a mailman: Neither snow, nor sleet, nor underwater shark BMX rallies shall keep you from your appointed rounds.
#4 Ogre Parking Enforcement
If he’s not the John Shaft/Buck Rogers of meter maids, well then the only other explanation I can think of for a large black man with a hammer-from-the-future bludgeoning a vehicle to death is because this particular car appears to be a Porsche Boxster. And Boxsters are the vehicle equivalent of a puka shell necklace: If you're ever unfortunate enough to see one up close, chances are you've already been roofied and the owner is off somewhere doing his pre-date-rape stretches. Maybe Halo Shaft up there is just trying to make the world a better place, one double-popped-collar-wearing douchebag at a time.
#3 Mammoth Sword
That’s not to say that he wielded it well--if there is a victor in that video, it is certainly not Buster Sword guy. However, it is also not the palette. No, the only victor here is the force of gravity itself who, but for the lack of lips, would be screaming, “I told you so!” by the end of the tape. Still, Buster Sword guy should not be mocked. He is a fantastic man-problem. He built that fucking sword himself, you know. He lifted it countless times. He knew the exact weight of the metals it was formed from. He knew full well that he could not swing the finished blade and yet even still, upon completion, he turned to his friend and said, “Turn the cameras on. I am going to murder a family of wood now, and it must be filmed.”
#2 Samurai Cyclist
The great tragedy here is that, upon donning his custom built spiked shoulder pads, full samurai helmet and facemask; sheathing his swords in their spot-welded custom holders; and mounting his night-black, motored steed, this stupid world did not have the decency to end in a ball of fire, so the Samurai Cyclist found himself without a suitably post-apocalyptic landscape to race through. But did this stop him leaving the house? No! For he is man! He saw the unruined world outside and thought, “Fuck it. I’ll just take this thing to Nordstrom’s instead.”
And so he did. He probably bought a sweater there, chatted up a puckish salesgirl and maybe tried a sampler of this new cologne he had his eye on. But all the while, inside his head, you know his thoughts were naught but steel and fire. And maybe just a touch of argyle.
#1 The Cycle Sheik
The temptation here is to chalk this picture up as just another one of those infamous "arab car stunts." But look closely at this man; he is not a reckless teenager trying to keep himself entertained in the most lethal way available to him (because his country unfortunately outlawed the more standard lethal teenage entertainment: Carlo Rossi). This is an older man--almost respectable looking, actually--with the kind of beard one can only grow while lost in the desert for decades after having your heart broken by a treacherous lover. This is a man who should know better, and probably does. No, I don't believe this is staged. There is something in that steadfast, noble posture that tells me this simply cannot be the case. I choose to believe this is just how Cycle-sheik gets from point A to Point B like any other commuter… except that “Point A,” in this case, is probably a portal of fire that only opens once every 50 years to let him roam the streets for a day, and “Point B” is a motherfucker that’s about to get stabbed at 75 miles an hour.
That's right: stabbed. Oh, I'm sorry... did you miss the sword?
Well, that’s probably the best example of this point that I can possibly offer: When you stare in awe at a photo for several minutes and the very last thing you notice--almost as a side-note, really--is that the subject is armed with a three-foot, steel blade, what else can you be dealing with but a Man, in all of his bafflingly awesome, stunningly retarded glory?