"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones
that need the advice."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
"Youth is wasted on the young."
George Bernard Shaw
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million."
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"How could they tell? " (upon hearing that President Coolidge had died)
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
"I am at two with nature."
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Erma Louise Bombeck