A woman is cheating on her husband with his friend. One night, while she is having a passion-filled evening with her lover, her husband calls. After talking on the phone for a while, she say's "Ok dear, that's fine." Her lover get's alarmed. He panic's and says "Oh shit, Should i hurry home?" and The girl say's "Relax. He was just calling me to tell me that he'll be out late bowling with you."

A man gets a date with an absolutely gorgeous woman. So, deciding to get a tan to impress her, he gets on the roof of his house to sunbathe. Not wanting to show any tan lines, he sunbathes in the nude, and unfortunately falls asleep, getting a sunburn on his "tool of the trade", but not wanting to miss his date, rubs it down in lotion and wraps it in gauze. later, the blonde comes over, and the guy treats her to a lovely homecooked meal and a movie. halfway through, though, his sunburn starts to act up again, so the man goes into the kitchen and pours a tall, cool glass of milk, which he then sticks his member in. He experiences such instant relief as he has never felt before, and is just euphoric. about that time, the blonde wanders in, and sees the guy with his penis in a glass of milk and says "OH! so that's how you load those things!"

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. one to hold the lightbulb, the other to twist the ladder.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were in the doctor's office, waiting to hear the sex of their children. the Brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy. I was on top, so it will be a boy."
The redhead says "I'm going to have a girl. I was on bottom, so it will be a girl."
They both look over at the blonde, who is sobbing uncontrollably. they ask her what is wrong, and as a fresh wave of tears come on, she sobs, "I think i am going to have puppies!"

How do you stop a leper army? de-feet them.

Sex is like air. it's no big deal until you're not getting any.

why did the showers at auschwitz have 11 holes? because jews only have ten fingers.

A man is walking down the street at night. another man comes up to him and says "Hey buddy, can you lend me a couple bucks?" and the man says, "Listen buddy, i know times are tough, but you don't want to do this, so just fuck off" so the homeless guy says "Fine, how about all of your money!" and the man says "Listen buddy, you're messing with the wrong guy!" and the homeless guy says, "What, you know kung fu or something?" and the man says, "Fuck no, i'm just broke."

What has 65 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.

How are women like condoms? they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.