* "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

* "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

* "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

* "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

* "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

* "The patient refused an autopsy."

* "The patient has no past history of suicides."

* "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

* "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

* "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

* "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

* "She is numb from her toes down."

* "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

* "The skin was moist and dry."

* "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

* "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

* "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

* "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

* "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

* "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

* "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

* "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

* "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

* "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

* "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

* "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

* "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

* "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Patients' Sign-In Complaints:

* "Diarear."

* "Sore trout."