Needed somewhere to share

Okay, before I start, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need to write something down and pretend like someone cares.

It's me, Google. Many of you have known me around here for quite some time. I used to lurk, and then I contributed, then I joined the family, then I left, then I lurked, then I contributed a little here and there, now I must be going. Because of the closeness(or what was once closeness) of the ShareNation, I will be leaving for good. You see, I have been battling depression for a very long time. I always feel alone, but social-networking helps mend the wounds just a bit. But, I can't go on pretending anymore. And because of this, I have decided to make my exit from all forms of social networks. I consider Sharenator to be a social network, but it's more than that. I have received a lot of advice from some people, shared in laughs and stories, even shared some very serious feels. You guys are like a family to me, and like my real family, I must make my departure to try and fix my broken self.

3 weeks earlier --

So I met this girl. She just moved into my area from about 3 hours South of town. She's gorgeous. We hit it off really well. I let myself become friends with her fairly quick, a practice I have always avoided due to abandonment issues. We spend lots of time together because she needs a friend, and I need a friend. I give her lifts to work, take her out to dinner and lunch, we go to movies together. I soon start to fall for her. Fall very hard. Which is weird for me, because I've only just met her. I have walls built up so that I don't fall for anyone. She somehow manages to break them down. I decide I have to tell her. Just as I suspected, I'm friendzoned. There is no hope. I can't not be her friend, because she doesn't feel for me as I do for her. I know I can't turn away, because she completes me. I've been heartbroken in the past, but there is no turning back from this one. I'm through. I'm giving up.

Current day 11/30/2013 --

I've decided to cut contact with most of the outside world. I'm going to go back to where I need to be...hidden away in my bedroom with my suicidal thoughts just fantasizing about death. I am contemplating dropping out of college(I finally got in after years of hard work and being denied[I'm a 24 yr old Freshman]), and even thinking I might quit volunteering the youth group I've been with for nearly 8 years. It's time I just let the depression win. I can't fight the battle any more. And so I leave you with this final thought.

I love you guys. Don't ever change who you are. Always shoot for your dreams. Don't be like me and let complacency set in. Take care of you, and yours. Change the world with every step that you take. I will miss you all.

Signing out for the final time

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  • 7

    Dude, be strong. It's not like the end of the world. These are small things. The feeling of love is short-term thing. It comes and goes. Go out with friends, have a beer. Dropping out from college is not that bad. You can always come back of go for other things in life. Maybe this is good news, even others can't understand, but you live for yourself, not for others.

    Depression is ugly thing. But it's temporary, you must understand that one morning you will feel much better. I hope you're okay.

    • Darius
    • November 30, 2013, 5:35 am
  • 3

    so youre gonna give up? thats all you can think of is giving up...if darius gave up this site wouldnt be what it is now. you can just give up you gotta fight through it show life youre in control not let life control you. stay in college and the yourth group its more people needing you than you think....

  • 3

    You know, i remember the day i became a mod on this site. i was shocked at the idea because, in all honesty, i had just wanted to be a part of this and have fun/ enjoy it like everyone else. but one day you changed that, you showed me how much of a community this site could be and asked that i be made into a mod. That was the day i truly felt like i became a part of this community, because of a small gesture of kindness that came from you.

    The thing i wanted to tell you google is that we are always here for you, no matter what. We don't want to see you (or your beard) feeling sad. and we will always be here for you. What i really want you to do is try getting some help, hell even talk to us if you need to! Don't over think your life and your relationships and understand that your friends will always come to your aid, be they close to home (your youth group) or across the world (sharenation), we will always be here to help :)

    I know how hard it is to get over someone you really cared about, it takes a lot of time and it can be painful. but you can't let that pain beat you. if you need anything just let us know. you're one of the strongest and kindest people i've ever gotten the pleasure of knowing on here. i know you can do this. So please google, Stay strong and remember the joys of life :)

    your friend,

  • 2

    Damn, I guess I have kinda been there before in a different kind of way. Depression is a horrible thing, but I just try to get on with life and not worry about things so much.

    There's nothing you can do to change what has happened, so the only thing you can do is be positive of what you DO have and what you can make of the future :)

  • 2

    Talk to someone. Either a counselor or a loved one. That's the most important thing when dealing with depression. It's also ironically the thing you probably don't want to do at all. Make yourself do it. Sitting alone with your emotions will only make it worse. And even if you feel like it would be for the best if it gets worse, it won't. That's the depression talking.

    I've been there, several times. Only by luck did I make it out the other side. No one told me what to do, so let me do you this favor: talk to someone. Even if they don't know the right thing to say, they can help you get in contact with someone who does. Do it for yourself, and when that doesn't feel like enough, do it for the people you love. Eventually, you'll be glad you did.

    • Ertrov
    • November 30, 2013, 6:05 am
  • 2

    I'm not sure if you'll see this but
    I get what you're going through, and I've stood where you're standing now. You took a leap of faith and held your heart out as a gift only to have it denied, and that knife cuts deep and it cut your heart's ties to you. And now all the walls you've built to protect yourself don't seem to keep the bad things out anymore and you feel powerless to stop them from surrounding you. And once again you feel abandoned and left in darkness searching for a light in the distance to focus on so the world doesn't seem so dark all the while slowly losing hope that such light will ever show itself again. But if you just give up now and close your eyes forever you'll never see the light, even a foot from your face.

    When we are at are lowest we realize how strong we really are, you've walked this road for a long time and now you don't think you can take another step. I want you to take another step, if not for yourself do it for everyone who cares about you take a step for each one of us and step by step you will move forward and you will eventually find a new light. It may not be tomorrow or a week from now but eventually you will find it and it will make every step worth it.

    Keep you head up, you have a lot of people in your corner that care about you. :)

  • 2

    google, we all support you, I mean yes everyone on sharenator has fought, you and I included but I think every fight leads to more respect for everyone on here. I don't know what advice to give you on your life, but just know that by simply being on sharenator you have now included all of us in your life and that ending your life will effect more people then you realize. As weird as this sounds we all love you too. as you said sharnator is a big family. when one of our own leaves it is a blow to all of us. I know I can speak for everyone when we said if you do leave and or do something to end your life we will miss you greatly.

    you must be strong, you are still young and able. heartbreak is nothing alien to many of us. and we are all without, even if anonymously.

  • 2

    hey google, you remember the whole thing with ember? yeah, it's probably gonna be like that again. dont give up man, life sucks, people suck, vacuums suck. lots of shit happens. i've been through pretty much the same thing, im 22, never really had anyone i've ever considered a friend. found someone in CO, we hit it off, and i thought it was actually going somewhere. turns out, it wasn't. unfortunately i couldn't call it quits, military wont let you take time off or go somewhere else cause you feel like shit. we worked together, in the motorpool. it was painful, just saying, really bad. but you push through. we dont talk anymore, i bet if i wanted i could start again, but i wont go through it.

    i guess what i'm trying to say is this, whatever happens, keep moving forward, never back down or give in because by that time you've lost. and i dont like to lose. NOW GO KICK SOME ASS! **

    ** xbox badassery not included

    • November 30, 2013, 11:15 pm
  • 1

    I'll loom out of the depths to say this:
    Don't give up. Keep fighting. Find things to distract yourself from your thoughts. Give it time.
    Don't become a social hermit, most likely it'll just make it worse.

    • jokin
    • December 1, 2013, 10:17 am
  • 1

    Hey buddy,

    I know things seem mighty shit at times. I was thinking of dropping out of university after my dad died last year, I thought I couldn't take it. I felt so alone and isolated. But I saw it through, I did really badly for that year of university and I've been working hard to get my grades up ever since.

    I'm glad I stuck it through though. I don't know where I'd be right now if I had dropped out. I'd probably be even more depressed and with no prospects.

    I know it's dumb to compare my situation with yours, they're completely different and I have no idea how you really feel as I have not lived your life.

    But don't drop out of college dude. Stick in there. They say things get worse before they get better, but what do 'they' know. I don't really know what else to say...

    Take it easy mate

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