Jokes and funnies

I've just been given a six months suspension from football.

I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs. I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.

He was getting in to his car at the time.

-----------------------

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

-----------------------

Dying cats pink, what's next?

A Navy Seal?

-----------------------

I was on a first date with a girl I'd fancied for a while and the conversation turned to sex. She said, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a girl?"

I said, "To be honest, I've only ever had sex once, so nothing that weird."
She said, "Once! What was her name?"

I said, "Mary something. I couldn't make out her surname."
She said, "Did you meet her in a loud club."

I said, "No. There was a lot of moss on the headstone."

----------------------

I found out yesterday that "Don't cry love, I'll make you another one", is not a very diplomatic way of consoling a mother after you've run her only child over.

----------------------

I was having a wank to this program last night when my girlfriend walked in, I panicked and quickly changed the channel and a program about disfigured babies came on. She saw what I was doing and now thinks that I get turned on by disfigured babies.

I mean how unlucky is that, the same program being on at the same time on two different channels.

-----------------------

My daughter thought she was very funny by spelling out the word "cock" in her alphabetti spaghetti.

She soon ate her words.

-----------------------

I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

-----------------------

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

-----------------------

In a way, aren't we all 9/11 survivors?

-----------------------

You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

-----------------------

I saw a sign in a car park saying "thieves want your sat nav!"

I thought, "well they can get lost"...

-----------------------

My wife put a dent in my car backing out the garage this morning .

The fat bitch needs to start looking where she's walking.

-----------------------

Nine years of searching, 140 000 troops deployed, $125 billion spent and still the Americans can't manage to find a man who lives in a cave.

No wonder Batman was so successful.

-----------------------

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."

-----------------------

Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"


Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?

-----------------------

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.

Nice bit of footage.

-----------------------

I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

-----------------------

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

-----------------------

It's been revealed that 90% of Black men wear their socks during sex,

and a balaclava

and a knife.

------------------------

A guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter. I said, "Sure, give me your packet."
He handed over his packet and I took a cigarette out. I said, "There you go."
"What the fuck is that?" he said bemused.
I replied, "It's a cigarette lighter."

----------------------

Jay-Z is rumoured to be having marital difficulties with Beyonce.

Looks like he's got 100 problems now.

---------------------

BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"

If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...

Nope, no sign of that.

  • Dannyl
  • September 29, 2010, 12:38 am
You might be interested

Comments

Reply Attach
  • 2

    haha those are some good jokes.
    I hadn't heard a few of them

    Reply
  • 1

    all of em were great, but lololol at the last one.

    Reply
Related Posts