Guy: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: A minute.
Guy: How much is a million dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Guy: Can I have a penny?
God: In a minute.
------------------------------------------------------------
----------
I always find a good wank is spoilt when i am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his cock out and joins in.

"Fuck off Dad and watch your own porn!" I said.
------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? ;D"

Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.
------------------------------------------------------------
----------
News: Men masturbate on average once a day.

Ah good, so I wasn't the only one to lie on the survey.
------------------------------------------------------------
----------

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward.