she wrote me this today and this is exactly as she wrote it
"I know i you really don't like letter/notes but i dunno...I felt like writing you one. I know iv'e said said it before and i'll say it again. Even though i'm in that mood where i try and convince you to do better and so on. I want you to go find someone who isn't bi-polar, depressed, who won't hug there friends more than you, has anger issues, who does't get easily upset, someone who can look you in the eye and tell you i love you, who actually likes the way they look, some one who dresses nice, someone that will talk about whats wrong without the feeling of being hit (side note: idk where she gets that from idk if her ex did that but ive never hit her)I want you to find someone that isn't me...i can't have these fellings that i just wrote about. I can't have the feelings of being heart broken everyday cause of it anymore. I just can't. I have a felling that i have to protect myself from getting hurt...i'm sorry i just had to write it out, it made me feel a little better...but most of akk i have this feeling of not deserving to be loved and just die alone.... i'm sorry....i'll stop...."
no like i said i love her wit all my heart, ive never hit her, i do everything for her, i spend what time i can with her, i spend what money i have on her, and i say the sweetest things to her to make her feel better or prove that i can't do better than her.. i just dont know what to do anymore...if she leaves me i will have nothing left in this world to live for, it could very well be the end of me.
EDIT: we figured it out now