____ thinks that it's disgusting how Facebook is all about jumping onto bandwagons without any true commitment. Post this as your Facebook status if you agree.
____ Opinions are like Facebook accounts. Everybody has one, and everyone thinks theirs is the most interesting.
____ will stay on Facebook right until my phone dies. That's how I know it's been enough for one day.
____ If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook profile to get out of it.
____ Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.
____ My friend left his computer on and now he has 3000 friends and a new Facebook Page called "We know what Willis was talking about."
____ If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.
____ If you aren't attracted to someone's Facebook profile picture, move on. That just might be the best picture of them on the planet.
____ just found a website that lists ways to get incredibly drunk. See you in a few days, Facebook!
____ Things are so weird in my life that my profile picture should just be a raised eyebrow.
____ If Facebook had a "dislike" button, I'd never leave my house.
____ Lecturing to my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.
____ Vitamin Beer. You know it's only a matter of time.
____ This is a good bagel. Probably because it's a donut.
____ My favourite beer is the 15th one.
____ If you can't say anything nice, you're probably thinking about me.
____ Drinking alone combines my two favourite things.
____ In real life, I tell people to shut the hell up. On Facebook, I just delete their comment.
____ High on life!!...and also a tiny bit of paint.
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick.
____ Fool me once, go screw* yourself. *not the real word that was originally used
____ started to think I had a drinking problem, but then I found two beers hidden in the back of the fridge. "Problem" gone! :)
____ In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch a co-worker Monday, No Pants/shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, and Call in Sick Thursday.
____ If you give a man a fish you are a lousy gift giver.
____ likes to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.
____ There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it.
____ What’s the point of being told that I drink too much by a room of full of reasons I drink too much?
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
____ Somebody pulled out in front of me on my way to work today. I was glad to get my flipping someone off early so I can go about the rest of my day with out that stress.
____ The hardest part of my workout includes running around the block a few times, then bending down to pick it up and put it back in the toy box.
____ wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it.
____ has spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... but no one will do it.
____ Is there a reason why, at formal events, Prince William has to dress like Captain Crunch?
____ Sometimes when someone angers or upsets me, I look at them through the prongs of a fork and pretend that they're in jail. That always makes me feel better.
____ Was going crazy trying to think of Rhianas ex boyfriends name. Then it hit me.
____ I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people... who have taken my advice.
____ It's a tough job...but somebody's gotta lead the freak parade.
____ used to believe in things like Fate and Destiny...then I realized those were just stripper names.
____ My girlfriend left me because she thinks I'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.
____ You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much s***.
____ Saying "we can still be friends" after a break up is like saying "Hey, the dog died, but we can still keep it".
____ Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards."
____ Those that call themselves a "people person" are almost always hated by all the people that they know.
____ A guy broke into my house last week…He didn’t take the TV just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard!
____ just fell out of my chair after leaning too far back while trying to pour the last few crumbs of Pringles into my mouth, just in case anyone is looking for a husband.
____ You should never compliment a lady on her moustache... no matter how magnificent it is.
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.
____ My neighbour let me borrow his car on one condition. That I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it until it gets repossessed.
____ Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. You know I’m right.
____ When I use the bathroom at a friends house I like to take their toothbrush out of the holder and lay it on the back of the sink just to make them wonder.
____ Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight?
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that?
____ Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped?
____ hates grocery shopping so much that I just steal unattended shopping carts and head to the check-out.
____ was irritated when my neighbours put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it.
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person.
____ had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What an awesome name for a new beer...
____ Steve Jobs resignation letter: iQuit.
____ The height of my productivity is at a time when my boss is behind me and can see what's on my monitor.
____ just saw a Facebook status that said, "Who honestly cares about Steve Jobs resigning, I mean what the hell has he ever done for me?!" 5 minutes ago via iPhone.
____ Automatic flush sensors look an awful lot like hidden cameras.
____ used to eat a lot of natural foods until I found out how many people die from natural causes.
____ If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
____ currently waiting for the pizza guy and planning to say "Keep the change ya filthy animal."
____ When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
____ Sometimes I "like" friends statuses because they look lonely in my news feed.
____ If money can't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
____ You know you live in a messed-up world when people are putting sweaters on their dogs and leashes on their kids.
____ Cinderella: Proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
____That awkward moment when you're in the car, and you look at the people in the car next to you, and they're already looking at you.
____ A jealous co-worker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell.
____ My ex complains that I always used to correct her. How do you think I feel being with someone who was always wrong?
____ My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH DAMMIT.
____ always brings my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.
____ Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well, tough s&*^, I forgot it.
____ has slept for 11 hours the past couple of nights if anyone needs a grandpa.
____ hates it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.
____ There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to Aqua's "Barbie Girl."
____ Lazy Rule #12: when you don't want to type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on.
____ It's so nice that the police are escorting me on my drunken drive home.
____ lol = Drowning Man,, *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ahston Kutcher on 2 and 1/2 men because I'm lying.
____ is not teaching my dog to talk Arabic because I’m drunk. I’m teaching him because he asked me to.
____ is painting all the stones in my garden white, ready for my snowball fight next winter with the kids next door!
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended.
____ Most of my metaphors are like metatwos, metathrees at best.
____ The tooth fairy teaches children they can sell their body parts for money - sheesh.
____ thinks that alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "Crap, my spouse is home!" or "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!"
____ What worries me is the fact that when a website asks for your age, it gives 2011 as an option.
____ is making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy: All I do is say "Hello"... At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
____Ran out of milk. Luckily, my 89-year-old neighbour Ethel has loads of it piled up on her doorstep!
____My husband's leaving me because he's apparently fed up of me "quoting him all the time".
____ "How I met your mother" is either an awesome TV series or a very awkward conversation with a mate.
____Don't you just hate when you get a friend request and the name kinda sorta sounds familiar but all they have as their profile picture is of 4 guys and a donkey so you get mixed up thinking maybe it was that jackass that used to pick on you in high school so you just ignore the request.
____ Today I promise to show the utmost respect towards, family, friends and strangers alike. I promise to treat everyone as if I like them and to contain any and all perverted thoughts and sarcastic remarks that come to mind. Who am I kidding? I couldn’t even type that with a straight face!
____ The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
____ spent a long time at my husband's grave today. He doesn't know, he thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
____ The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof! (Adrian Lavis)
____ Today, I just accidentally hung up on that customer by slamming the phone down as hard as humanly possible.
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people.
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming”
____ I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay jewellery.
____ is not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you, because in a few minutes, I'll be talking behind your back.
____ That awkward moment when an Emo goes to McDonalds and orders a Happy Meal.
____ When you're in dire straights, the money's for nothing and the chicks are free.
____ If you find yourself being mugged by an unarmed assailant do not cooperate. What the hell is he gonna do? He ain't got any arms.
____ When the boss says, "Ok, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant bitch."
____ A kid at my nephew's birthday party s*** his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option at work today.
____ It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
____ It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person.
____ Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.
____ Today, I had the best kiss of my life. Thank you Hershey's!
____ hates when pple tries to corrects peeeple on ghrammer on somethin as informal as Facebook!
____ Side Note: it's only insulting if you don't have a sense of humor.
____ If football was a drug, my last name would be Lohan...
____ The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.
____ I wish someone would come up and say "You should stay at home. That was, and has always been, your destiny".
____ "This is where I shit." - Sean Connery showing people chairs in his house.
____ Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the other two got away with minor injuries...
____ thinks it's time I tell you what people are saying about you behind your back... Nice ass.
____ just did a "U-Turn" at an intersection that has a sign that says "No U-Turns". THUG LIFE.
____ If there is an award for laziness... I’ll send someone to pick it up for me.
____ Why are YOU still here dumb-ass??~ me, to my liver.
____ "If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions".
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
____ wants all of you to know that I truly love EVERYBODY so, so very much and that's how I know that I am too drunk now.
____ "In a world ravaged by unbridled narcissism, video games, and late night channel surfing... his life... will bore you...to DEATH!" Just imagining the movie trailer for my life.
____ My doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said No. We laughed.
____ People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
____ Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me. I need smarter friends.
____ Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honour Roll Students, they are outdated, I want one that says "My kid's in High School and I'm not a grandma".
____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins.
____ Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?
____ That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong your whole life.
____ Billion dollar idea: Alcohol infused with birth control.
____ That sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie.
____ is not a VIP by any means, but I do believe there is a special place in Hell reserved just for me.
____ When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they are hurting hard or hardly hurting.
____ Turns out, no matter how many Pringles you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.
____ Solution to world hunger: Food. Boom. Done, next problem.
____ This conversation is like the economy. The more you talk about yourself, the more my interest rate goes down.
____ doesn't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
____ feels like I'm forgetting to flip someone off today.
____ had one of those days where I didn't do anything and still had fun doing it.
____ People "make the world go round" but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
____ is pretty happy because I love lemons, and life constantly delivers them.
____ The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.
____ If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4 a gallon for gas, I will bitch slap you.
____ Walmart executive: "Ok, so here's the plan. We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them. It can't fail!"
____ Hey Motels, you can take the "Colour TV" signs down now. We know.
____ My neighbour said that REO Speedwagon sucks. So now I'm holding her still-beating heart in my hand.
____ If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, ”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
____ My sleep number is 100 proof.
____ On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks, and then I leave before their real teacher arrives.
____ Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
____ There are some places in the world where even I’m considered normal. I don’t want to visit any of them.
____ That awkward little dance your thumbs do when you don't know what to reply to someone’s text.
____ It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to scam me... I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.
____ Consume faecal matter and pass away.
____ is gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.
____ Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.
____ How to stop snoring: Place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold firmly until snoring stops, then delete this message.
____ is currently going through a period of my life where I tell people that I'm currently going through a period of my life.
____ *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
____ doesn't like you even close to as much as you like me... but don't you even think of finding someone else to like because I will get pissed and start liking you all of a sudden.
____ sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!!
____ Does anyone know how to make stapling someone's face to their desk look like an accident???
____ If I could choose any way to destroy the world, I'd delete Google.
____ I like my boss like I like my milk… I don’t.
____ has noticed some people will snack on a candy bar or a bag of chips while grocery shopping, before paying for them. So why did I get a lecture when I put my empty 6 pack of beer on the conveyor?
____ is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
____ Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back?
____ It's the kind of day you want to roll down all the windows and drive around naked.
____ These days if you say a bad joke when you're in a group, there's always someone who calls out "dislike".
____ Sometimes, I post stuff on MSIB to see how many "likes" I get. If it does good, I'll post it on my wall. If it bombs, at least it's just a bunch of people I don't know that think I'm an idiot.
___ caught my son playing with an electrical outlet. He gave himself quite a shock. I had to ground him.
____ If the world were fair, terrorists would kidnap the cast of Jersey Shore.
____ is not drunk, I'm just holding onto the lawn so I don't fall off the face of the earth.
____ Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop posting these ty... Ahem, sorry people, that was my wife, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.
____ never underestimate functional insanity.
____ If I did live in a glass house I wouldn't throw rocks, I'd just leave sweaty butt cheek prints everywhere.
____ My new personal record – 48 (number of times I said “you stupid loser” under my breath today).
____ If I see somebody on Facebook whose photo is cropped all the way up to their nose, I immediately assume they are hiding the fact they are half goat or something.
____ Have you ever looked at someone and thought "If I had your brain, I would shut it down and rent out the space"?
____ That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"
____ A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
____ It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.
____ thinks that kid shows should be a little more realistic. After watching Care Bears, my 2 year old wanted a pet bear. I simply had to keep it real and say, "No, honey... a bear will fucking eat you."
____ has never smoked weed before, but the frequency with which I pass out, surrounded by food, leads me to believe I'd be good at it.
____ When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
____ My alarm clock is giving me the stink eye this morning.
____ Haven't been on Facebook lately because I've been really absorbed with this Bounty paper towel.
____ On average my kids ask 437 questions a day. That would explain my headache.
____ The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us."
____ Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.
____ Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
____ took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension.
____ It's not that I mind the neighbours cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward.
If you actually read this far... Get out of the house man! Must have taken you hours!