If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice
Do you live on a chicken farm? [No] You sure know how to raise cocks.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming
Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken wing? No?
Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets
inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [No] What's wrong, don't you
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' between 'F' and 'CK'
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among
Hey baby, I think you just made my two by four into a four by eight.
Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your
life and I just want it for one night.
Just remember: To you, I am a virgin.
What's the speed limit of sex? [what?] 68. Because at 69 YOU have to
I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
I spent over a grand on Viagra today, only to come here and see you
and find out that I don't need it after all.
Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
I'm hung like a tic tac. Wanna freshen your breath?
Do you cum here often or wait till you get home?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I can see myself
in your pants.
Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself
If I had AIDS, would you have sex with me? [No] Well, I don't, so
Excuse me, but do you give head to strangers? [No] Well then, allow
me to introduce myself.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would
you let me come for dinner between the holidays?
That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
So, come back to my place, and if you don't like it I swear I'll give
you a full refund.
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!
Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a
Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No] Wink.
Hey baby, wanna play lion? You go kneel down right there and I'll
throw you my meat.
[Excuse me, do you have the time?] "Yes, do you have the energy?"
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with
one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Hi, wanna fuck? [No] Mind lying down while I do?
I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Is your name daisy? Because I have a sudden urge to plant you right
Hey there, I just took some Cialis and I have 18 hours left.
I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with
these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.
Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with
I would absolutely love to swap bodily fluids with you.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow
My name's [your name]. Just so you know what to scream.
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
Nice tits. Mind if I squeeze them?
Oh, you're a bird watcher. [Pull out your dong] Well, would you take
this for a swallow?
Since we've been told to reduce waste these days, what you say we use
these condoms in my pocket before they expire.
Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken
the ice, will you sleep with me?"
The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread
We're going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment and
What can I do to make you sleep with me?
Let's go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our
clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long!
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my
place, tail at yours.
I'd like to get between your legs and eat my way straight to your
Hey! Wanna play war? I'll lay on the ground and you blow the fuck
If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?
My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-
If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you fuck me? [No] Good,
because mine is 8 inches.
Do you like apples? [Yes/No] How about I take you home and fuck the
shit out of you. How do like them apples?
Do you like jewels? [Yes/No] well, suck my dick, it's a gem.
They say sex is a killer... Do you want to die happy?
First, I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then, I'll move
up to your belly button.
Your lips are kinda wrinkled. Mind if I press them?
I have a big headache. I hear the best cure for headaches is sex.
What say we go upstairs and work out a remedy.
So, Is it safe to say I'm gonna score?
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't cum in 30 minutes, the next one
Do you like my belt buckle? (any response is okay ) It would look
better against your forehead!
Do you wanna come to the Marines, or would your rather have a Marine
come into you?
Are you gay? [No] Wow, me neither, let's have sex.
If I washed my dick, would you suck it? [No] Oh, so you like to suck
Nice fucking weather. Want to?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
We're out of bleach. Do you want to go in the janitor's closet and
There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you
What do you like for breakfast?
Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you
out of them?
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the
first thing that pops up?
Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
Are those lumberjack pants your wearing? They are giving me a wood.
You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you.
Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
Hey baby there's a party in my pants and you are invited!
Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?
Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
I'm a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last
Yeah, it's big and if you pet it, it spits
Let us let only latex stand between our love.
Do you wanna see why my nickname is 'tri-pod'?
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like
I heard your ankles were having a party... want to invite your pants
Are you a virgin? [No] Prove it!
You bring a whole new meaning to the word, "edible."
I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
Want to play lion tamer? You could get on all fours and I'll put my
head in your mouth.
If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?
Do you like chicken? Sorry, I haven't got any, how about a cock?
I think that we might be related. Let me check for the family
birthmark on your chest.
(Look down at your crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.
I'm a writer, you're a writer, how about we get naked together and
put some poetry in motion?
(Hold up a screw) Wanna screw?
Do you want to come over to my place and feed your beaver some wood?
[What are you doing?] I'm taking off my shoes. [Why?] So I can take
off my pants.
How about you be my story and I'll be your climax!
"I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously,
it's saying something right now. It says that you're not wearing any
underwear, is that true?." [No.] "Oh wait, my watch is an hour fast!
I like your hair, your eyes, your smile... I like every bone in your
body... Especially mine!
Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?
Lets play "Titanic." When I say "Iceburg!" you do down.
Do you believe guys think with their dick? (Yeah.) Well, in that
case, will you blow my mind?
Smile. It is the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't you think most people who use pick-up lines are dipsticks?
(Yes.) In that case, mind if I check your oil level?
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Would you like to actively engage in mock procreation?
I'm easy. Are you?
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French
kiss, but down under.
Could you do me a favor? Could you get on your knees and smile like a
This is a condom. If we put it on, we can have sex.
I WANT SEX! Sorry, the doctor said that would help....
Do you believe in free love? [No] Then how much do you cost?
Hey baby, I'll fuck you so well the NEIGHBORS will be having a
cigarette when we're done.
Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it.
Let's not mess with nature. We are here to make babies. So, let's get
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
I don't know you, and you don't know me, but who's to say it's wrong
if we sleep together?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra?
I just popped a Viagra. So, we've got about 30 minutes to get back to
I think that pick-up lines are for people with to much time on their
hands. Let's just fuck.
You have a beautiful voice. I bet it would sound even better muffled
by my penis.
If you can dance, you have my hand, but if you can sing, you have my
heart. I hope to God you can't sing because I just wanna fuck you.
Hi. I'm gay, think you can convert me?
I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights go out.
If I'm a pain in your ass... We can just add more lubricants.
Life is short. Let's fuck and see if there is anything after that.
Let me eat you for an hour. If you don't want to have sex after that,
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
(give the person a bottle of tequila) Drink this, then call me when
Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this
cheap motel room across the street.
I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing,
whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have
I have the entire dictionary written on my dick. Want me to put some
words in your mouth??
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!