- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

- Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

- Accept that some days you're the pigeon and somedays you're the statue.

- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

- Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

- My Reality Check bounced.

- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

- Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?