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From: Christopher Gould
Date: Monday 8 Aug 2011 3.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Hi

Hey David. What u been up 2? Got a bit of an emergency because Im getting paid to play games online. Pretty sweet lol but I need to update my computer which costs heaps. Worth it but because then I will make more money. Only need $2000 becasue I already have some saved. Would you be able to lend me the money if I paid you back a bit each week?
Chris
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Aug 2011 7.02pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
Of course. Would you prefer a cheque or electronic transfer?
Regards, David.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Monday 8 Aug 2011 8.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Hi

Really?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 10.17am
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
No, but it is always nice to hear from you, even if it is only when you want something. While I appreciate that "a bit each week" means "never" and it is therefore a repayment plan you are capable of keeping on top of, I am not convinced that updating your computer in order to play games actually qualifies as an emergency. I have attached a handy graph for future reference.
Regards, David.



From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 10.52am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Bullshit there have been lots of times I contacted you and havent wanted something dickhead. Are you going to or not?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 11.26am
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
You have contacted me three times in ten years. Once to help you torch your vehicle on a quiet country road in the middle of the night for the insurance money, once to borrow $3180 which you have not yet repaid, and once when you needed somewhere to stay "for a few days" after your girlfriend Joylene discovered several terrabytes of 'questionable material' on your computer.
You stayed at my apartment for fourteen weeks until, after leaving work early one afternoon, I walked into my kitchen to discover you dressed in women's lingerie and a curly blonde wig, mounted on the handle of a plumber's toilet plunger suctioned securely to the floor. A K-Mart brochure lay open between your knees advertising children's swimwear. As you leapt up in surprise, the plunger handle exited and, like a trebuchet, flung a combination of butter and faeces across the kitchen cabinets.
The last thing you said to me, as you packed and left for mum's house, was "I will stab you in the face if you tell anyone" and "Nobody likes you."
Regards, David.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 1.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Thats was years ago and not what even happened so get your facts straight. The wig thing was for a joke. And bullshit I only rang you 3 times. I invited you over for dinner once but you made up some lame excuse and left early.
Blood is thicker than water and its to update my computer so I will get paid more so you will get the money back and the money I owe you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 2.03pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
I appreciate that blood is thicker than water, but so is butter and faeces.
Unless the joke was "look I'm a huge albino frog lollipop" it was way over my head. Like several of the splatters. On the way out, you stole my wallet from the hallway table and scratched a deep groove down the side of my car with a key. After you were gone, leaving me to clean both the kitchen and the room you had been staying in, I found my son's Starwars® light-sabre, the missing rubber duck from the bathroom, and a pair of size 20 women's blue satin panties under the bed, coated in the same concoction as the plunger.
Not knowing what other items had been included in your activities meant I had to throw out every item in the house that could theoretically fit inside a human bottom. I told my son that I'd given all his toys to a poor family and had to take him to Toys'R'Us to buy replacements.
While I concede to the fact you did once invite me to dinner, twenty minutes of sitting on a dog's beanbag within touching distance of a kitty litter tray that hadn't been changed in months while watching the movie White Chicks was pretty much it for me. My excuse to leave may have been lame, but it was more polite than "Your dog is eating poo from the kitty litter and no, helping you install a stolen Audio4 stereo in your car after the movie does not sound... fuck this, I'm going." You used my phone to order pizza because yours was out of credit and, as I was leaving, asked for pizza money and didn't have change for a fifty.
I do, however, understand that it takes money to make money and I applaud your entrepreneurial aspirations if nothing else. As business plans go, seeking free money to further your online gaming career is right up there with the time you knocked on people's doors with a homemade charity collection tin. I still don't understand how you got away with that for so long as both the apostrophe and letter s were missing from the words Children's Cancer. With the proceeds, you bought a framed Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon poster and an aluminum rowboat. Your plans to "do up the rowboat and sell it for heaps" and to forge David Gilmour's signature with a Sharpie® to "sell the poster on Ebay for hundreds" were nothing short of entrepreneurial genius.
If Donald Trump ever hears about it he will probably say "Everyone's fucking fired, I want the aluminium rowboat guy."
Regards, David.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 4.38pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

your not very smart are you? its called a dingy and you think you are to good to visit me? LOL! I dont want you in my house. They say you cant choose your family but I choose not to have anything to do with you. Look at me evryone I went to college. im a graphgic designer. I can design a box. Give me lots of money. LOL.
I don't even need your money. Ive got 50 grand in the bank. That was a trick and you were PWNED. So easy LOL.
Ive got more than you will ever have. A sweet 63 Chrysler wagon, a 42 inch plasma, a PS3, 3 dvd players and twice a week a girl who comes over and I have something you will never have which is respect. Mum has always prouder of me than you and always will be. She paid for my car what did she ever do for you?
ill be at mums house tonight . Come see who stands tall. Ill even give you the first punch. And of course you will FAIL to show and i will know the truth as i already do. You are a failure.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 5.09pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
It is great to hear you are doing so well. The lady who visits twice a week to wipe you down and clean out your bucket hardly counts but that 63 Chrysler wagon does indeed sound sweet. I'm surprised you haven't been featured as one of People magazine's fifty most eligible bachelors.
You do not need to tell me mum is proud of you, that goes without saying. When a retarded child catches a ball, everyone claps. Possibly her proudest moment was having her house searched and computer seized after Joylene contacted the authorities about the child pornography. You sold the replacement laptop I lent her to Cash Converters and bought a vibrating gaming chair with the money.
While I appreciate the invite to meet you at mum's house, the only time anyone chooses to go there is when she has assured them you are somewhere else. Visiting with prior knowledge of your presence would be like visiting a brothel after being told over the phone that the only girl available that night is Rosie O'Donnell. As I am living in the United States at the moment, undertaking the five hour flight from Washington to LA, a fourteen hour flight to Sydney and another two hours to Adelaide, would require far greater enticement than witnessing you throw your vaguely coherent threats and roly-poly arms about.
My reason for not previously visiting you has nothing to do with considering myself "too good to visit anyone." Suprising as it may seem, watching you pump your way through a bottle of Jergens® while cataloguing your collection of junior gymnast photos is not everyone's idea of socialising.
Regardless, well done on 'pwning' me. It was a cunning trick and I stepped straight into it like a child entering a 63 Chrysler wagon after being asked to help look for a lost puppy.
Regards, David.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 5.27pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

It wasn't child porn fuckhead they had clothes on otherwise I would have been found guilty wouldnt I? You look like a fool when you cant get your facts straight David. Or shoudl I say Tabitha? Or Tojo Waters or Gould or Taylor or Bad Alex or Ace? LOL!!!!
When my friends ask about you I tell them that you raped a chick with a baseball bat. Its less embarrassing than telling them your a sad loser and your family is embarressed of you and you think you are special becasue you went to uni to learn how to make a box look gay.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 6.22pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Dear Chris,
Nice. As the only friend you have is PingPing the inflatable Asian schoolgirl who lives in your closet, I am happy for you to say whatever you like about me. I tell people you drowned in a boating accident several years ago while testing an aluminium dinghy repaired with Polyfilla® and house paint.
Also, a non guilty verdict does not usually result in being banned from being within two miles of a playground and community service. I drove past you on South Road and beeped the horn while you were picking up rubbish with a pointy stick.
I am not sure what your point about names is; I have probably used about four hundred on the internet. You once asked everyone to call you 'Rod' due to your fixation with World Wrestling Federation star Rowdy Roddy Piper. The poster above your bed featured him wearing a kilt and had the phrase 'Hot Rod' emblazoned across it in a lightning shaped typeface.
While I have given myself various titles over the years, none of them included "Special because I went to uni to learn how to make a box look gay." I class working as a graphic designer as only one step up from H&R Block® taxation consultant and one down from five-a-pop gloryhole recipient. I am, however, able to buy things I need, and occasionally things I want, due to the fact that I work sixteen hours per day "making boxes look gay" in exchange for money. It is not a lot of money but it means not having to rely on others to support me.
Charity is detrimental unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it and the purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all. While there is a lot to be said for pizza and pornography, there comes a time when you need to take stock of your life. A time to put away PingPing and put on a pair of jogging shoes. A time to stop attempting to bring down others to disguise and balance out your own failures. A time to explore potentials rather than orifices.
There is a whole world out there Chris, put on pants and experience some of it. Direct the energies powering your obsessions into more productive pastimes. Ones that don't involve butter and faeces. Leave the house. Meet new people. Get a job. Travel. PingPing will still be there when you get home.
Regards, David.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 6.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

LOL! Havent got time to read your bullshit got monsters to shoot and make money sad loser. The saddest part is that you and I both know that I have something you will never have.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 6.51pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Is it something that has been in your bottom?
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 7.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

No fuckhead its respect. From evyone. A man with no friends or family has nothing. That makes me 10 times the man you will ever be. Bye homo.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 7.09pm
To: Christopher Gould
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Going by circumference, I would guess closer to twenty.
From: Christopher Gould
Date: Tuesday 9 Aug 2011 7.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hi

Loser.
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Views: 5860
Posted: 2011-08-10 12:37:29

Responses (4) // Sorted by points

  • drakengard85 - replied 2011-08-10 13:01:17
    +5
    Mmmmm. delicious butter
    paulaeatingbutter 300x300 - creepy fat bald guy
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    Report
  • DarkHunter - replied 2011-08-10 14:00:19
    +2
    Haha, I find it funny how people act all nice when they want something but then change like that when they get told no.
    Reply
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  • dabbler - replied 2011-08-10 13:50:29
    +1
    yao ming meme
    Reply
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  • brotroll1 - replied 2011-08-10 19:42:13
    +1
    OMG its like facebook conversations between me and the guy I went to high school with! He lives in a trailer in his Moms backyard! I'm going to start posting them.
    Reply
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