Asylum Films

asylum films v2


Facts:

The Asylum is a film company that puts out knock-off versions of popular films.

Their versions are universally terrible, rushed, and low budget.

They do this exclusively to trick people who don't usually watch movies into picking up the wrong case.

Thereby ensuring those people will continue to not watch movies, after furiously returning Transmorphers for the second time.

A little history:

If you've watched the SyFy channel on weekends, then something has not gone as planned in your life-plan, and you've also probably already seen some Asylum films. They specialize in putting out films with similar names and plots to big budget films and hope to con their audience into watching the movies.

They started off in 1997, producing mostly B-movie horror flicks, but never made it big, being overshadowed by the bigger, badder distribution companies. That is, until they put out H. G. Wells' War of the Worlds in 2005, released merely one day before the Steven Spielberg adaption. Blockbuster Inc., proving that everybody gets fooled sometime regardless of experience, ordered loads of copies to distribute at their stores, and helped birth the bizarre B-movie pyramid scheme that Asylum continues to this day.

Think I'm kidding, Here's some proof

kong - asylum films


transmorphers - asylum films


snakes - asylum films


10 Million BC
100 million bc - asylum films

Released a few months after 10,000 BC, the film-makers didn't even try to ape the plot of the source material, and 100 Million BC is more like an all-lego remake of Lost World: Jurassic Park than a knock-off of 10,000 BC. The film revolves around a team of scientists that go back in time to rescue a different team that went back in time and ended up trapped in 70,000,000 BC (proving that even Asylum don't pay attention to themselves; the date's right there on the cover, guys). And of course, as all time-travellers do, they brought back a bloodthirsty T-Rex with them.

From then on it's your typical dinosaur in the modern world story: Dinosaur meets people, dinosaur eats people, dinosaur gets hungry an hour later and eats more people, dinosaur is ultimately sent back to the past, where it is fused with a mountain and dies. You know, just your archetypal A-B-C-Dinosaur-Becomes-A-Mountain adventure tale.

The Da Vinci Treasure
davinci large

An obvious rip-off of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, the plot of the Da Vinci Treasure is true to Asylum form: Copy the overall structure of the story, slap some duct tape and bullshit on it, fudge the details and hopefully end with an explosion if your special effects coordinator hasn't already blown the finale's budget on a sandwich.

I Am Omega
iamomega - asylum films

Just like that Will Smith movie, only instead of Will Smith it's that guy from Double Dragon, instead of vampires it's generic mutants, instead of suspense there's accidental comedy, and instead of acting it's a bunch of people actively waiting for their paychecks.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus
megasharkvsgiantoctopus - asylum films

This is what happens when Asylum opts not to make store-brand versions of blockbuster movies: Their original properties are almost always Godzilla-inspired monster-fests starring Adjective-Nouns Vs. Adjective-Sharks (there has always been, and will always be at least one Shark Of Unusual Size in every Asylum Original Property). As proof, currently in production is Asylums next Original Property, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus...I shit you not.

Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock holmes by asylum film poster

No, we didn't overdose on ether and photoshop together the fever-nightmares: That is the real poster for Asylum film's rip-off of the Robert Downey, Jr. movie. Apparently, Holmes' greatest accomplishment wasn't solving some kind of pussy mystery with stupid gay logic; it was that time he punched an Octopus in the tits, mounted a T-rex, and ghost-rode that shit into a fucking dragon. Don't believe us? Here's the trailer:



Here's a list of Asylums "Mockbuster's" not mentioned above:

H. G. Wells' War of the Worlds
HG Wells27 War of the Worlds 2005

Instead of crazy Tom Cruise we get crazy Jake Busey

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls
quartermainskulls - asylum films

The film was released shortly after the premiere of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Sunday School Musical
sundayschoolmusical - asylum films

Yes, that does say Sunday School Musical! This was produced by Asylum's religious division, Faith Films.

The Day the Earth Stopped
earthstopped - asylum films

That's right, in this movie, the earth doesn't just stand still, if fucking stops! But hey, at least is has Judd Nelson in it, lol.

Transmorphers: Fall of Man
transmorphers2 - asylum films

Well, they did make a sequel to Transformers, so why not...wait, what was the subtitle for Transformers 2 again...

The Terminators
theterminators - asylum films

oh ya, they did

Mega Piranha
Mega Piranha 2D packshot

This has got to be good, not only is the 80's pop singer Tiffany in it, but it's from the makers of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!!!

I have saved the best for last.....

titanic 2 - asylum films

Ummmmm....huh? I don't even have a comment for this one. Love that tag line though, "100 years later, lightning strikes twice".......Wait, lightning....wasn't it an iceberg?

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Comments

Reply Attach
  • 3

    How can the Titanic sink again?

    How have they gotten away with this?!

    • SuDoku
    • November 1, 2010, 2:26 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    We think we saw the Piranha one... and they used spray-painted black Nerf Guns as props. The sad thing was they did not have enough to go around of the one that splits in half, so they had one guy with the barrel bit and one with the back bit.

    • Dawn
    • October 14, 2010, 2:48 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    setting fire to my eyes now thanks for this lol +3

    • Jabori
    • November 1, 2010, 3:26 am
    Reply
  • 1

    To be fair the first adaptation of the Novel "I am Legend" was the 1971 movie "Omega Man" starring Charelton Heston. Of course the Heston and Smith movie both gave credit to the novel which the Asylum movie did not. Asylum movies are usually fun to watch because they are so bad.

    • r60man
    • November 1, 2010, 2:21 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    hmm... i just had a great idea... i'll get back to you in a few weeks...

    • MIKYTEY
    • November 5, 2010, 10:47 pm
    Reply
  • 1

    Return to an upcoming time in history 1, 2, and 3.

    Reply
  • 1

    i almost pissed my pants at the last one:
    Titanic 2 WHAT THE FUCK! XDXDXDXDXDXDXD IT MAKES NO CENTS

    Reply
  • 0

    We think we saw the Piranha one... and they used spray-painted black Nerf Guns as props. The sad thing was they did not have enough to go around of the one that splits in half, so they had one guy with the barrel bit and one with the back bit.

    • Dawn
    • October 14, 2010, 2:48 pm
    Reply
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