1. CCN News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"

If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...

Nope, no sign of that.

2. My daughter smeared butter all over my knob earlier.

Now I can't open the fucking door.

3. If I was to wake with Beyonce in my bed I would assume Jay Z was downstairs stealing my TV.

4. What's the difference between a paki and a pig? One lives in it's own shit and filth waiting to be fed, the other is a pig

5. A penis says to his balls "guys I'm taking you to a party".

The balls reply "Whatever! You always go inside and leave us outside knocking".

6. Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today?
John: (crying) I heard the postman tell My Mom.........
"when the kid goes to school im going to eat your pussy.

7. I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

8. Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

9. Whats black and white yet red all over?

Haha, a newspaper.

No, Your dog that I just crushed with my van.

10. Me: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.



More will come with enough uprates, hope you enjoyed :)